I think we, who are willing to be in this room and undergo personal change, are brave souls.
When I joined Al-Anon, I was in my Fifties, and anxious to save another person I loved. But oh what a joy it’s been to let go of that obsession, which was becoming so shrill and counterproductive.
I was relieved to turn the focus back on myself and learn that my faulty attitudes were the source of my pain, not the people around me.
Regarding the amends steps, it’s possible to overuse them, just as we might exaggerate our negative defects in the 4th step. I’ve done both! That’s why it’s so important to understand the purpose of amends: reaching personal freedom.
These are intended to be hopeful steps, not self-flagellation. Making this list and then acting on it is just another way to weed our garden. My husband’s always reminding me to weed close to what we’re growing, so that nothing interferes with the growth of the plant.
Making amends is not always pretty, and rather than freedom I sometimes look for forgiveness and closure. With my daughter, Annie, she threw them right back in my face. So I knew I was on the wrong track to expect absolution from her, and my sponsor helped me appreciate my efforts and then let them go.
My real reward has been surviving that loss without the need to punish myself for it. Truth is, I’m really not that important! Things happen in life, and it’s not always my fault.
I will ry to keep things in perspective in terms of importance. Keep a clear head and don’t get sidetracked by emotional drama.
For example, if closing the door to the microwave wakes someone up, how important is it? The person we woke up should ask him/herself, “Is it worth having a fight over?” The people most vulnerable to this slogan sometimes just thrive on the drama. Don’t buy into it.
Move on, distract, find a healthier and larger perspective. We can get so bogged down in pettiness that we stop seeing the larger picture. Today I will try to remember what’s most important in my life—getting along with my partner—and do what I must to protect that.
Ironic, isn’t it, that you have become my teacher and not the other way around—teacher of life, teacher of love, and beacon of surrender.
I’m so grateful that you were born, even though at times I’ve felt otherwise. God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Though you haven’t been in my life long, and not always happily, it’s been your very existence that has propelled me into a serenely spiritual life, even happiness. I never would have done the work necessary to reach this place without your inspiration.
You are my child, my teacher. As I’ve stumbled on this rocky path, my thoughts of you have guided me; they guide me still.
All that I’ve become are gifts from you, my daughter: life lessons, trial by fire. How do I honor you?
Let Go and Let God (p. 28, 95, 107, 125131,n163, 220, 294, 361) “Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies to power.”
Remember, “our best thinking got us into the rooms.” In other words, our minds can be dangerous places to go without some help. In Al-Anon we turn to a Higher Power. It can be God, a tree, or the group itself. As long as it’s not just us. Our egos and willfulness can blind us so much to taking a healthy course of action. And we’re just trying to help our children, so it’s easy to rationalize and justify our actions. That’s where educating myself about the disease gripping my daughter has been so critical for me. Over time I finally accepted that I didn’t have the power to save her from her disease. That was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one. I learned to let go and concentrate on what I could control. That’s when I started to feel free and serene and able to move forward with my life. I wish the same for all my brothers and sisters in these rooms. God Bless!
What is your favorite slogan? Page quotes are from One Day At A Time:
Easy Does It (p. 19, 111, 189, 238, 301) “When we come into Al-Anon, burdened with problems and confusion, we are confronted with a bright light of hope. This may tempt us to try too hard to learn, too quickly, all there is to learn about the program.”
So, take in what you can when you can, at your own pace. Many people leave before the miracle happens because they felt overwhelmed. I’m so very glad I didn’t and stuck around.
“Serenity? What’s that? For years I was like a weather vane that spun around according to the air currents that other people generated…I attributed these mood swings to nervousness, lack of assurance, and whoever else occupied the room at the time. Serenity always seemed beyond my control…where does this serenity come from? It comes from trusting that everything in my life is exactly as it should be…it comes when I choose to care for myself rather than to fix someone else…
Thought for the day: I am powerless over many things, but my serenity is not one of them.”
Trust—a kind of steadiness— leads to surrender which leads to freedom.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”
“Regardless of cause, history, or contributing factors, feeling guilty about your past role in the development of a teenager’s problem behavior will risk sabotaging your parenting goals. For a more focused relationship with your teenager,
Recognize guilt as negative self-talk that is normal, but that can be managed and stopped.
Acknowledge that a desire for relief from guilt places you at risk for changing the rules, boundaries, and standards that you want followed.
Seek professional counseling or other support to help you act more consistently and proactively, feel better about tough choices, and be less encumbered by what happened in the past.”
Feeling better about tough choices was always my Waterloo. But now I say over and over again that I did the best I could with what I knew. Now that I know better, I can do better. Repeat this mantra over and over again until you believe it.
Humor Being able to laugh out loud—at myself most of all—keeping things in perspective—is so critical, and you can’t do that by living in a bubble. I was stuck in a hole of depression, but recovery has offered me a way out.
I had to force myself out of isolation and start talking more to people. I always came away learning something and even feeling less depressed because I wasn’t alone. I learned not to take myself and my problems so seriously and smile more. The program helps me to stay focused on the solution and not the problem. The solution offers me relief because I don’t have to fix everything. What a revelation!
Learning to let go of control and determining what, in fact, is uncontrollable was a milestone for me. Remaining open to joy and beauty, and always feeling gratitude in my heart for my blessings.
The Bad Stuff When tragedy strikes us we are tested in new ways. I was bankrupt spiritually and was not equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Fortunately I picked up some important survival skills later in my life:
Gratitude: There is always something for us to be grateful for, if only the weather. Where depression and dysfunction used to be in my headspace, it’s been replaced with a new default mode. I like to keep things simple. Instead of bemoaning what I have lost, I focus on all that is left. Suffering and martyrdom had diminished my ability to live well, and I have abolished them from my life.
Acceptance and faith: If I can’t change it, whatever it is, I will accept it with as much grace as I can muster. And follow this with confidence in God’s plan,
Humor: Oh, laugh about it, Marilea. You and your problems are not that important!
From Each Day A New Beginning, July 3: “Finding humor in a situation, any situation, prevents us from succumbing to feelings of powerlessness. Feeling powerless, behaving as victims, came easily for many of us before we chose this program and the Twelve Steps to live by. Choosing a humorous response, opting to laugh at our situation, at any point in time, keeps our personal power where it belongs—with ourselves.”
