Recovery

What Makes Rainbows?

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

pigeon in a tree

From Courage to Change, March 14:

“One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they’re pigeons and not because he was there.

Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn’t cause alcoholism. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I’ve spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects.

It’s not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I can see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.”

 

My recovery has been, among other things, about redirecting my energy into a positive force for my loved ones and me. Before I learned the tools of recovery, though I appeared to be content and successful, I was deeply troubled and unhappy on the inside. Then, when my daughter Angie became a drug addict, it all boiled to the surface. I love my daughter very much, and I would have done anything in my power to save her.

There’s that word “power” that we hear so much in the rooms. And that’s good because power and ego so often go together, and I’ve had to learn to let go of both of them. I spent several years trying to save her, but I made many mistakes and in the end was not able to influence her choices. Just like the pigeons, she’s gonna do what she has to do. I can only love her and be strong for her if and when she goes into recovery. I am, therefore, concentrating on saving myself. And if it weren’t for my daughter, I probably wouldn’t even be doing that. Beauty is often born out of loss. I still have a heart that can love—and the eyes to enjoy the beautiful sunsets here in New Mexico!

One Day At A Time…

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Memoir Excerpt:

 “Being able to live one day at a time, one of the basic tenets of the Twelve-Step Programs, used to be a challenge for me. How could I live my whole life in just the next twenty-four hours—without fear or projection? That was a tall order. But particularly for addicts it’s necessary to live one day at a time. Life happens—every day—and too many stresses can occur in a mere twenty-four hours to throw us a curve and beckon us back into our addictive behavior. If we limit our vision to the day at hand, it’s easier to stay focused on our sobriety.

Early in my Twelve-Step study, I often tormented myself looking at my past mistakes because I’d felt I had it coming. “What goes around comes around,” and all that wrathful noise about divine retribution. But I don’t believe God has anything to do with my self-punishment because I believe that He is benevolent. And now I can “look back without staring” if I keep my focus on the present and remind myself that done is done, but today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Not dwelling on what happened yesterday, not worrying about what hasn’t happened yet, and having the gratitude to appreciate the colors of the sunrise today, or a kind gesture from someone, or a good meal, or a good night’s sleep—I’m always sending God thank you notes—I don’t know who else to thank! The ability to do this is one of the many rewards this Program offers us.”

What Does Recovery Feel Like?

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sunset

 

 

Memoir Excerpt:

“Recovery from the effects of a loved one’s addiction—what else is it? It’s many things to many people. It’s being able to relish the kaleidoscope of colors in life—not just see them but also appreciate them. Life need no longer be black and white, even gray. My friend, Debby, coming out of a meeting recently, exclaimed:

 ‘Oh, what a gorgeous sunset!’

That’s what recovery is: being able, in spite of everything, to swim with the currents of life—and be grateful one can still swim. Thirteen years seem like a long time to watch one’s child slowly succumb to the disease of addiction, though I know other parents who have traveled this road longer. Angie has bounced in and out of recovery and so have I. I have no wish to outlive my child, but many parents do just that, whether the enemy is cancer or any other disease.”

The Adult Child: Growing Up In The Program

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Memoir Excerpt:

“Recovery from addiction, one’s own or from the effects of someone else’s, is not an easy accomplishment. My program of recovery has enabled me to grow in self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-forgiveness. I’ve committed many sins in my life, against my sister and others. There were very few consequences, and so I internalized my guilt. I would be forever crippled until I found a way to let go of that baggage.

This healing Program has shown me how to face myself in the mirror honestly, with gentleness, kindness and praise for the good things I have done. I’ve learned how to hold myself accountable for my actions and cease blaming others. I’ve learned the importance of making a simple apology, something I didn’t learn as a child.

In fact, I’ve often said in meetings that I grew up in my recovery groups. And it’s true. I am an adult child: chronologically an adult but emotionally immature, though less so as I continue in my recovery. Many of us who grow up with alcoholism have addictive personalities ourselves and find ourselves ill prepared to meet life’s challenges effectively. We often marry our addicted parent, or we look outside of ourselves for sources of comfort. There is an absence of differentiation, as Dr. Gabor Maté explains (237). Many of us overeat, pop too many pills, shop too much, drink too much, work too much, etc. Addiction is everywhere in our society. It temporarily fills in our hollow spaces until we feel better. A soundly moral character, among many other things, has gone a long way toward keeping my addictions at bay—one day at a time.”

Doing The Difficult…

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When I joined Al-Anon fourteen years ago, I just wanted to save my daughter from the grips of addiction. I went back to meetings but kept wondering, “Where was the magic bullet?” God kept me going to those fellowship meetings, even after I realized that there was none. Many newcomers leave at this point, but I’m glad I kept going back. It gradually dawned on me that I had a huge problem and that I was sick too. And so I started to listen better and put the focus on myself. I learned how I was unknowingly making a bad situation worse, and how for my own sake, if not for Angie’s, I needed to try to change my attitude and behavior. I needed to muster a lot of courage where my daughter was concerned, something I hadn’t been able to do before. Now, many meetings, readings, and roller coaster rides later, happiness is a gift I give myself every day that I work my spiritual program. And “it’s an inside job!” Blessings to all!

“Never, Ever Give Up Hope”

Marilea C. Rabasa2 Comments

 

A Memoir of Recovery

I feel very honored to be a guest on Carol Graham’s Radio Show, “Never, Ever Give Up Hope.” It was such a pleasure to talk about my memoir with Carol, who has overcome many personal challenges, and has written about them in her own book, Battered Hope.

Our conversation shines a light on my daughter Angie before she became ill with drug addiction, which only emphasizes the tragedy and cruelty of the disease that is claiming so many of our young people. But the memoir is primarily my story where I gradually weave my own recovery into the pages even as I’ve watched my daughter falter. Carol and I share the same philosophy: that no matter what life throws our way, we can learn to deal with it and live well and happily.

She has become a good friend. I look forward to continuing my story in my next memoir—a lighter, humorous collection of stories from my travels and escapades—and talking with her again.

The interview has gone live. You can listen to it on her website: http://neverevergiveuphopenet.blogspot.ca/2016/04/love-and-redemption-overcoming-guilt.html

You can also find it on Apple i-Tunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/love-redemption-overcoming/id1014754680?i=365336143&mt=2

Or listen to the Stitcher podcast:

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/never-ever-give-up-hope?refid=stpr

I hope you will enjoy, share, and review these downloads and invite your friends to do the same. I think it’s important to continue the conversation around addiction so it will lose its stigma and someday be viewed with the same compassion as other chronic illnesses.

Not My Will—But Thine

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Ego and Control

OMG, what I’ve learned about ego and control could fill a book. A friend once told me that ego is what separates us from oneness with God. What she meant, I think, was that our ego run amok might separate us from a lot of things here on earth.

It separates us from others when “we have to be right.” It separates us from a lot of people when we feel we know what’s best for them and try to impose our will on him or her. When it’s a loved one who is self-destructing, we feel and ARE utterly justified in our well-intentioned attempts to influence him or her. And we can be right until the cows come home, but others will follow their own will (especially if the physiological need for drugs is present). We can hope and pray, but in the end we must accept our powerlessness over another adult’s illness—and let go.

Just—let—go…boy, is that hard!

The Spirit Coming Alive

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Happiness woman stay outdoor under sunlight of sunset

Memoir Excerpt: 

“One of the promises of Al-Anon is that we shall learn to be “happy, joyous and free.” I like the free part best. For too many years I’ve been chained to my own human failings. I never understood with such clarity my own defects and limitations until I started to work this Program. I was so lonely and isolated. But when I came to believe after much trial and error that I was in fact powerless over addiction—mine, Angie’s and anyone else’s—I fell to my knees and turned this struggle over. And I felt so much lighter. Now, at last, I was off the hook. I’ve turned over all the lost years with Angie and turned my attention to things I can control now. And that has given me the freedom to focus on other things.

My spirituality is based on three factors: far less EGO (Easing God Out), humble acceptance of whatever my lot is in life, and the vision to appreciate every day for all the good that I can see and experience. In this way, the principles of this Program have changed my life. It’s really great to be alive, and for so many years my life was utterly joyless. That’s the power of the spirit coming alive in me through my spiritual Program.”

“Guilt Is A Terrible Crippler…”

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From Survival to Recovery, p. 25-26:

“Unless recovery is found, blame, guilt, anger, depression, and many other negative attitudes can go on for generations in a family affected by alcoholism…Focusing on ourselves actually allows us to release other people to solve their own problems and frees us to find contentment and even happiness for ourselves.”

We all have different stories of how addiction has touched our lives. In my life, guilt was a constant theme from very early in my childhood, and, as I said in my memoir, “Guilt is a terrible crippler.” It crippled me, especially, when my own child mirrored the addict in me and morphed into a worse and more dysfunctional addict than I ever was. Guilt and self-blame put me at risk in setting and enforcing boundaries, in becoming an enabler, in shielding Angie from the logical consequences of her behavior. In short, guilt kept me from parenting my daughter intelligently and kept me stuck in a hole. Fortunately I found recovery and release from my own guilt, much of it misplaced, which in turn is freeing Angie to live her own life and solve her own problems.

The Power Of Choice

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I Choose

I am not a victim, but an active participant in my own life. I learned the 3 A’s in Al-Anon: awareness, acceptance, and action. Those are three very loaded concepts. Awareness requires some honesty and courage, the willingness to look in the mirror and face one’s reflection—sometimes good and sometimes not; acceptance asks us to recognize the difference between changing what we can and what we can’t, which is really huge and really hard for most ordinary humans like myself; and action asks more courage of us to make changes—rendering our lives happier and more productive.

I may be an adult child, but I’m growing up. I will take responsibility for my own life, for my successes and my failures. In this way I feel empowered, no matter the outcome, to be the star in my own show. “I don’t want to wake up one day and find I’m at the end of someone else’s life!”