It’s been a long, hot summer with family around most of the time. But no cancer treatment, a good thing so I could fully enjoy them.
Big girl pants, the time has come. It’s September 11.
I’m scheduled to have my port implanted in two days, at 8:00 in the morning. So, another hotel stay to avoid having to wake at 5:00 am so that we’ll be on time. We’ve had to do this several times on this journey and we’ve turned them into mini-vacays and dinners out together. There will surely be more. Lemons to lemonade, a lifelong skill!
I have been nervous about the port placement. But once again the nurses there added some conscious sedation to my IV so that it would be bearable. And it was, just pretty sore afterwards when the lidocaine wore off. I’ll get to see if my new mattrass will keep me on my back.
It feels weird having a foreign object in my shoulder, and I don’t particularly like it. But it’s really the most efficient way to receive my transfusions. A few people who have used their veins have seen them turn black from the poisonous liquid. Chemotherapy saves many, many lives, but it also has a well-known dark side.
After a long, dry period, things are moving quickly because the clinical trial is about to reopen. And they are nothing if not thorough at Fred Hutch. My port is in pace now. Next week I’ll have another PET scan. Then I’ll have my third bone marrow aspiration right after that. And the last procedure that I know of is a heart exam called a MUGA scan, which is a trip through a machine with some liquids in my vein to check the status of my heart. This last test is to see if my heart is strong enough to tolerate the chemotherapy.
After months of delay and frustration, it looks like I’m about to start climbing that mountain. I’m feeling energized and optimistic. To fight the feeling that my life is out of control, I try to stay as well-organized as possible. I bought a “chemo cap” from Amazon which, when kept very cold, you put on just before the infusions begin. The rationale is that the cold will insulate my hair cells from the harmful chemotherapy, preventing my hair from falling out or at least helping it grow back quickly. I’m not optimistic about its efficacy, but I’m willing to try anything to feel “normal” during the process. And I have a pile of scarves and bandanas o cover my head if necessary.
My friends have donated them all to me. Because of all the support I’ve been given from so many, this has not been a lonely journey. Even if I can’t fully prepare for what comes next, I know that I am in the loving arms of friends, family, and God, most of all. I know that, from beginning to end, I will never be alone.
I think we, who are willing to be in this room and undergo personal change, are brave souls.
When I joined Al-Anon, I was in my Fifties, and anxious to save another person I loved. But oh what a joy it’s been to let go of that obsession, which was becoming so shrill and counterproductive.
I was relieved to turn the focus back on myself and learn that my faulty attitudes were the source of my pain, not the people around me.
Regarding the amends steps, it’s possible to overuse them, just as we might exaggerate our negative defects in the 4th step. I’ve done both! That’s why it’s so important to understand the purpose of amends: reaching personal freedom.
These are intended to be hopeful steps, not self-flagellation. Making this list and then acting on it is just another way to weed our garden. My husband’s always reminding me to weed close to what we’re growing, so that nothing interferes with the growth of the plant.
Making amends is not always pretty, and rather than freedom I sometimes look for forgiveness and closure. With my daughter, Annie, she threw them right back in my face. So I knew I was on the wrong track to expect absolution from her, and my sponsor helped me appreciate my efforts and then let them go.
My real reward has been surviving that loss without the need to punish myself for it. Truth is, I’m really not that important! Things happen in life, and it’s not always my fault.
I will ry to keep things in perspective in terms of importance. Keep a clear head and don’t get sidetracked by emotional drama.
For example, if closing the door to the microwave wakes someone up, how important is it? The person we woke up should ask him/herself, “Is it worth having a fight over?” The people most vulnerable to this slogan sometimes just thrive on the drama. Don’t buy into it.
Move on, distract, find a healthier and larger perspective. We can get so bogged down in pettiness that we stop seeing the larger picture. Today I will try to remember what’s most important in my life—getting along with my partner—and do what I must to protect that.
Ironic, isn’t it, that you have become my teacher and not the other way around—teacher of life, teacher of love, and beacon of surrender.
I’m so grateful that you were born, even though at times I’ve felt otherwise. God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Though you haven’t been in my life long, and not always happily, it’s been your very existence that has propelled me into a serenely spiritual life, even happiness. I never would have done the work necessary to reach this place without your inspiration.
You are my child, my teacher. As I’ve stumbled on this rocky path, my thoughts of you have guided me; they guide me still.
All that I’ve become are gifts from you, my daughter: life lessons, trial by fire. How do I honor you?
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”
“Regardless of cause, history, or contributing factors, feeling guilty about your past role in the development of a teenager’s problem behavior will risk sabotaging your parenting goals. For a more focused relationship with your teenager,
Recognize guilt as negative self-talk that is normal, but that can be managed and stopped.
Acknowledge that a desire for relief from guilt places you at risk for changing the rules, boundaries, and standards that you want followed.
Seek professional counseling or other support to help you act more consistently and proactively, feel better about tough choices, and be less encumbered by what happened in the past.”
Feeling better about tough choices was always my Waterloo. But now I say over and over again that I did the best I could with what I knew. Now that I know better, I can do better. Repeat this mantra over and over again until you believe it.
Humor Being able to laugh out loud—at myself most of all—keeping things in perspective—is so critical, and you can’t do that by living in a bubble. I was stuck in a hole of depression, but recovery has offered me a way out.
I had to force myself out of isolation and start talking more to people. I always came away learning something and even feeling less depressed because I wasn’t alone. I learned not to take myself and my problems so seriously and smile more. The program helps me to stay focused on the solution and not the problem. The solution offers me relief because I don’t have to fix everything. What a revelation!
Learning to let go of control and determining what, in fact, is uncontrollable was a milestone for me. Remaining open to joy and beauty, and always feeling gratitude in my heart for my blessings.
The Bad Stuff When tragedy strikes us we are tested in new ways. I was bankrupt spiritually and was not equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Fortunately I picked up some important survival skills later in my life:
Gratitude: There is always something for us to be grateful for, if only the weather. Where depression and dysfunction used to be in my headspace, it’s been replaced with a new default mode. I like to keep things simple. Instead of bemoaning what I have lost, I focus on all that is left. Suffering and martyrdom had diminished my ability to live well, and I have abolished them from my life.
Acceptance and faith: If I can’t change it, whatever it is, I will accept it with as much grace as I can muster. And follow this with confidence in God’s plan,
Humor: Oh, laugh about it, Marilea. You and your problems are not that important!
From Each Day A New Beginning, July 3: “Finding humor in a situation, any situation, prevents us from succumbing to feelings of powerlessness. Feeling powerless, behaving as victims, came easily for many of us before we chose this program and the Twelve Steps to live by. Choosing a humorous response, opting to laugh at our situation, at any point in time, keeps our personal power where it belongs—with ourselves.”
“Normally my sponsor would recommend a gratitude list when I felt low, but one day, when I complained about a family situation, he suggested that I list all the things I was unhappy about. Several days later my depression had passed, and when I told my sponsor about the terrific day I was having, he suggested a gratitude list. He thought it might help me to refer to it the next time I felt blue. That made sense to me, so I complied.
When I went to put this new list in the drawer where I keep my papers, I noticed the earlier list and read it once more. To my surprise, my list of grievances was almost identical to my gratitude list—the same people, same house, same life. Nothing about my circumstances had changed except the way I felt about them. For the first time I truly understood how much my attitude dictates the way I experience the world.
Today’s Reminder:
Today I recognize how powerful my mind can be. I can’t always feel good, and I have no interest in whitewashing my difficulties by pasting a smile on my face. But I recognize that I am constantly making choices about how how I perceive my world. With the help of Al-Anon and my friends in the fellowship, I can make these choices more consciously and more actively than ever before.”
‘Change your thoughts and you change your world.’ Norman Vincent Peale
I can make an effort to be grateful instead of sad. It’s a conscious choice—because I want to be happy.
“Enough is enough when the hurt inflicted is greater than the lesson learned.”
I felt that, because I was the mother of an addicted child, I just had to put up with things. But underneath that martyred attitude was a shaky self-esteem that whispered to me, “This is what you deserve. It’s your fault.”
When I recognized the truth of that, I became willing to take up the yoke and start working on myself. After many years of working the steps and arriving at a place of self-love, I no longer hear those voices. I’ve gotten my life back, and concentrate on what I can control in my life.
I give thanks, multitudes of thanks, for what I’ve been given. I’m finally able to celebrate myself. And I’m grateful to my daughter for getting me into recovery.
God Bless Us, Mamas. We do the best we can! Everyone reading this: buy yourself a rose today!
