She’s Alive!

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Memoir Excerpt:

“But my respite was short lived. The phone rang two weeks before Christmas, and I knew she was still alive. At the sound of her voice, I was drawn back in to her world, her illness, and her drama. I didn’t even think to take a step back from it all, so strong was my codependency at that point.

“Hi Mom. Doc thought I should call you and let you know how I was. Do you

want to come down and see me? I’m on a farm in Fredericksburg.”

“Oh, Angie. I’m so grateful you’re alive and safe! We’ll come down first thing

on Saturday.”

Why didn’t I just hang up and say the hell with her? Because she was my daughter, somewhere closeted inside that addict’s body, and no matter how much I raged at her endless betrayals of self and those she had once upon a time loved, I couldn’t turn away from her. She was my child. She didn’t ask to be born, and I know she didn’t choose to be sick. I would go to her, on a tranquil farm two hours away, to try yet again to reach her, in some way, on some level, while she could still be reached. As long as she was still above ground, I told myself, she had another chance to start over. I was her mother. I would rescue her. This time, I would save her from herself.

This was my mindset when we went to see her: stubborn, stupid, willful lab rat that I was. After all that we had been through, together and apart, you would think I would have learned. I wanted to think we were both still teachable, still capable of redemption. And so I continued to seek it, my own, but I was looking in the wrong places. I thought I could only find it in her recovery.

I would find it, eventually, a little farther down the road. It was deep inside me, I discovered, all along.

What I didn’t see then, and only see now years later, was that all the energy I poured into my attempts to save her were terribly misdirected. It said a great deal about me, but it said nothing about her. If she were ever going to beat this thing, she would need to do the necessary work on her own. We could help her access the tools she needed, but she needed to pick them up with her own hands and use them.”

 

Building Blocks to Happiness

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From Courage to Change, April 22

“At first the idea of searching for defects of character, wrongs, shortcomings and harm I have done can seem like just another excuse to be hard on myself. That’s why it’s so important to concentrate on the first three Steps long enough to develop a strong spiritual foundation.

In these early Steps, we admit the areas over which we are powerless—such as alcoholism and other people—and learn that a power greater than ourselves has no such limitations. We decide to place our will and our life in the hands of this Higher Power. We let go of burdens that were never ours to carry. And we begin to treat ourselves more kindly and more realistically.

When we move on to later Steps, we do so for our well-being. We begin a process that is immensely rewarding, and we go forward under the guidance of a Higher Power. This enables us to be much more gentle with our recovery.

The first three steps are the cornerstone on which my progress is built. No matter how long I have been in this program, I won’t hesitate to touch base with the foundation of my spiritual health.

‘I now have a goal I can see clearly and a program with which to work toward it. It is my guide to self-improvement, comfort, and a better way of life.’”

 

Al-Anon

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When I joined Al-Anon thirteen years ago, I just wanted to save my daughter in the grips of addiction. I went back but kept wondering, “Where was the magic bullet?” God kept me going to those fellowship meetings, even after I realized that there was none. Many newcomers leave at this point, but I’m glad I kept going back. And so I started to listen better and put the focus on myself. Now, many meetings, readings, and roller coaster rides later, happiness is a gift I give myself every day that I work my spiritual program. And “it’s an inside job.” Blessings to all!

Whereto, Persephone?

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Memoir Excerpt:

“Then, two weeks into her stay in rehab, on another beautiful day, I went to see her so we could go for a walk. I knocked on the door:

“Hi, can you tell Angie her mother’s here?”

“Excuse me, let me go find the director.”

“Thanks, I’ll wait out here.”

Looking stricken, the director greeted me at the door. “Mrs. Romero? I’m sorry, but Angie isn’t here. She just packed her suitcase and left. We don’t know where she went.”

“What? You just let her leave? Why didn’t you call me?” I yelled.

“Mrs. Romero, her stay here was voluntary,” she answered. “She could leave any time she wanted. And we had no authorization to call you. She’s not a minor. I’m sorry.”

Numb with pain, worry and disappointment, I turned around and made it back to my car. Funny thing about getting kicked in the stomach multiple times. You stop feeling the pain of it. Numbness sets in and somehow, if you’re lucky, you get from Point A to Point B without any serious damage. So instead of feeling the pain of losing her yet again, I felt an incredible sense of relief. I told my friends in the Program that it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, that I was “finally off the hook.” If ever I was to accept that I was powerless over her and her addiction, it was now. I was free of her and the worry and the anxiety and even some of the guilt. I didn’t know whether she was dead or alive, but I felt free and unencumbered for the first time in months. Isn’t that strange?”

 

 

Wings

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From Hope For Today, October 16:

“One winter afternoon a friend and I took a stroll along a frozen lake. The lake was covered with a thin sheet of ice, but it showed cracks in some places where the ducks had been busily swimming. Most of the ducks were in a large area of open water, but two of them were in a smaller area that was separated by a barrier of ice. One of them tried repeatedly to get to the other side. She frantically tried to scramble over the thin wall of ice, but it broke under her weight as soon as she approached it. The duck didn’t give up, however, and continued her crazy ice dance.

At first my friend and I burst out laughing at the hilarity of the duck’s antics. Before too long I grew philosophical. The duck’s situation seemed strangely familiar. How often had I tried in vain to be happy by always using the same unsuitable means, much like the duck that had forgotten she could fly over the wall of ice! What constitutes the “wings” that I have forgotten?

In Al-Anon I have the opportunity to mend my “wings” or even to fashion a new pair if I choose. ‘This program has shown me that I have choices. I could stay the way I was, or I could change.’”

 

Change is critical for all of us, addicts and non-addicts like, in order to cope with addiction and learn to live well. “It’s the best revenge!”

Split in Two

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Memoir Excerpt:

“Oh, God, no, this wasn’t happening. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING! I don’t know this person. Something has taken over her body and transformed her. Angie, my Angie, no longer resides in this walking corpse, this skeleton. She doesn’t live here anymore.’

I poured Angie into my car and took her to the psych ward. While she was there, Gene sat with her at one or two in-house meetings. Xavier and I soldiered in to see her every single day, with her favorite food, and smiles, and earnest talk about how she could start over any time she chose to. On one such visit, I asked her about the contents of her suitcases.

‘It’s all perfectly legal, Mom.’

Collecting myself and keeping calm, I asked myself, if I was living on another planet, or was what she was doing illegal? No matter. It didn’t matter to me because this person who was glibly telling me this was not the person I had raised. This person had no moral compass whatsoever. And from this moment forward I knew that I was dealing with a split personality: two people, my Angie, and this hair-brained addict. I wanted to kill the addict, murder her in her sleep, and watch my Angie rise like a phoenix from the ashes.”

My Daughter/Myself

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Sometimes my words pale before Angie’s, and I’m very glad of that. Her voice should be loud and clear in this memoir: the voice of the child, the voice of the poet, and later, sadly, the voice of the young woman corrupted by addiction. I sprinkle the story with examples of her writing, little snapshots of my daughter, at different points in her life. When she was eight, she wrote this (from “My Daughter/Myself”):

My Favorite Person

Of course the great poignancy of the story is that my daughter and I mirror each other. We share the same addictions. But my child is a worse version of myself, and so much of the work in my life now has been coming to terms with that legacy and learning how to transcend it. I am deeply grateful for all the education and support I’ve received in the 12-Step fellowships over the years. It is in those rooms that I’ve taken back my life and learned how to be happy and at peace. Hugs and prayers to all of my friends as we share our strength and hope on this journey!

Acceptance

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From Hope For Today, January 18:

“This was the only thought I remembered from my first Al-Anon meeting: We can learn to live at peace with ourselves and others. ‘Live at peace with ourselves and others?’ I wondered. ‘How do people do this?’ From my alcoholic upbringing to my own family and workplace, I had never experienced a peaceful way of life. With myself, I was constantly fighting against the guilt, fear and anger that ruled my life. With others, I was always fighting for some cause or belief, trying to make them see that my position was the right one. Of course I never won, and the wars never ceased.

When I came to Al-Anon, I finally found the peace I desired so much. Al-Anon taught me that the path to peace is accepting the people, places, things, and situations I cannot change. Accepting myself as I am…freed me from my self-inflicted inner judge and jury. Accepting others with the use of the Serenity Prayer allowed me to stop fighting. Acceptance allows God to do what I cannot. Acceptance opens the door for my growth and leads me on my spiritual journey, one day at a time.”

Happiness Is A Choice

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15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

1. Give up your need to be always right.

2. Give up your need for control.

3. Give up blame.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk.

5. Give up your limiting beliefs.

6. Give up complaining.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism.

8. Give up your need to impress others.

9. Give up your resistance to change.

10. Give up labels.

11. Give up on your fears.

12. Give up your excuses.

13. Give up the past.

14. Give up attachment.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations.