Recovery of the Spirit
Perfectionism just keeps us stuck in being dissatisfied with ourselves. It isn’t possible for us to be perfect all the time. Trying to be perfect is a terrible weight around our necks. If nothing else, it’s a huge distraction from doing the recovery work we are called to do. Let it go. We are enough just the way we are. When we can make peace with that—and I admit that it takes a long time— we’re well on our way to an unexpected freedom!
From the blue Nar-Anon pamphlet:
Changing Ourselves
“Addiction is like a chain reaction. It is a disease which affects the addict as well as the family members, friends and co-workers. We try to control, cover up, and take on the responsibilities of the addict. The sickness spreads to those of us who care the most. Eventually, we begin to feel used and unhappy. We worry, lose trust and become angry. The addict blames us and we feel guilty. If only something or someone would change!
When we discover Nar-Anon, we find others with the same feelings and problems. We learn we cannot control the addict or change him. We have become so addicted to the addict that it is difficult to shift the focus back to ourselves. We find that we must let go and turn to faith in a Higher Power. By working the steps, following the traditions and using the tools of the program, we begin, with the love and help of our Higher Power and others, to change ourselves.
As we reach out for help, we become ready to reach out a helping hand and heart to those in need of Nar-Anon. We understand. We do recover. Slowly, new persons emerge. Change is taking place.”
Though I have changed and grown through my work in the program, I. of course, still love my daughter and am available to help her if she reaches out to me for help. The difference is that I’m a healthier person now and am able to make the tough choices I couldn’t make years ago. I pray she finds the strength to come back to her family. We can’t get back the lost years, but I still have hope, like the warm sun shining on my face, and keeping my love strong.
From Each Day A New Beginning, September21
“Praise and an attitude of gratitude are unbeatable stimulators…we increase whatever we extol.” ~Sylvia Stitt Edwards
Our attitude in regard to any situation attracting our attention influences the outcome. Sometimes to our favor, often to our disfavor if our attitude is negative.
Thankfulness toward life guarantees the rewards we desire, the rewards we seek too often from an ungrateful stance. The feeling of gratitude is foreign to many of us. We came to this program feeling worthless, sometimes rejected, frequently depressed. It seemed life had heaped problems in our laps, and so it had. The more we lamented what life “gave us,” the more reasons we were given to lament. We got just what we expected. We still get just what we expect. The difference is that the program has offered us the key to higher expectations. Gratitude for the good in our lives increases the good…”
It’s hard for me to improve upon these words. Except to say that my daughter is still lost to me after 22 years in the world of drugs and all that it accompanies. As she has gone deeper into the weeds of that life, my grief over losing her has transformed itself into a better place, a place that works for me. (read a great Al-Anon book, Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, for sale on Amazon).
When my nightmare began all those years ago, I was incredulous that this was happening to my daughter, as though she were any different from all the vulnerable young people out there. She wasn’t and still isn’t. The more I fought to save her, the more my own health and well-being deteriorated. After several years of doing everything I could think of (much of it misguided help), I finally got the message that I was powerless over her disease. And that’s when I started to turn toward the light.
The miracle of all the 12-step programs is assuring us that we have the power to change. I’m only as miserable as I make up my mind to be. In the beginning, I blamed all that misery on my daughter’s poor choices, of course, feeling more victimized than ever. But when I gave up that martyred attitude, and took back my own power, my life started to work better for me. I never stopped loving her and praying for her. But I have two other children, grandchildren, a loving partner… and the list goes on.
Every morning when I wake up, where should I put my focus? Should I fall back into bed and immerse myself in a mother’s endless grief? God knows I’ve wanted to often enough. Or should I focus on those kids and grandkids who need me now?
I think we, who are willing to be in this room and undergo personal change, are brave souls.
When I joined Al-Anon, I was in my Fifties, and anxious to save another person I loved. But oh what a joy it’s been to let go of that obsession, which was becoming so shrill and counterproductive.
I was relieved to turn the focus back on myself and learn that my faulty attitudes were the source of my pain, not the people around me.
Regarding the amends steps, it’s possible to overuse them, just as we might exaggerate our negative defects in the 4th step. I’ve done both! That’s why it’s so important to understand the purpose of amends: reaching personal freedom.
These are intended to be hopeful steps, not self-flagellation. Making this list and then acting on it is just another way to weed our garden. My husband’s always reminding me to weed close to what we’re growing, so that nothing interferes with the growth of the plant.
Making amends is not always pretty, and rather than freedom I sometimes look for forgiveness and closure. With my daughter, Annie, she threw them right back in my face. So I knew I was on the wrong track to expect absolution from her, and my sponsor helped me appreciate my efforts and then let them go.
My real reward has been surviving that loss without the need to punish myself for it. Truth is, I’m really not that important! Things happen in life, and it’s not always my fault.
My unsent letter to my child:
Dear Annie,
Ironic, isn’t it, that you have become my teacher and not the other way around—teacher of life, teacher of love, and beacon of surrender.
I’m so grateful that you were born, even though at times I’ve felt otherwise. God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Though you haven’t been in my life long, and not always happily, it’s been your very existence that has propelled me into a serenely spiritual life, even happiness. I never would have done the work necessary to reach this place without your inspiration.
You are my child, my teacher. As I’ve stumbled on this rocky path, my thoughts of you have guided me; they guide me still.
All that I’ve become are gifts from you, my daughter: life lessons, trial by fire. How do I honor you?
By living well—By loving well.
Mom
Let Go and Let God (p. 28, 95, 107, 125131,n163, 220, 294, 361) “Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies to power.”
Remember, “our best thinking got us into the rooms.” In other words, our minds can be dangerous places to go without some help. In Al-Anon we turn to a Higher Power. It can be God, a tree, or the group itself. As long as it’s not just us. Our egos and willfulness can blind us so much to taking a healthy course of action. And we’re just trying to help our children, so it’s easy to rationalize and justify our actions. That’s where educating myself about the disease gripping my daughter has been so critical for me. Over time I finally accepted that I didn’t have the power to save her from her disease. That was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one. I learned to let go and concentrate on what I could control. That’s when I started to feel free and serene and able to move forward with my life. I wish the same for all my brothers and sisters in these rooms. God Bless!
What is your favorite slogan? Page quotes are from One Day At A Time:
Easy Does It (p. 19, 111, 189, 238, 301) “When we come into Al-Anon, burdened with problems and confusion, we are confronted with a bright light of hope. This may tempt us to try too hard to learn, too quickly, all there is to learn about the program.”
So, take in what you can when you can, at your own pace. Many people leave before the miracle happens because they felt overwhelmed. I’m so very glad I didn’t and stuck around.
Looking for Solid Ground
From Hope for Today, November 12:
“Serenity? What’s that? For years I was like a weather vane that spun around according to the air currents that other people generated…I attributed these mood swings to nervousness, lack of assurance, and whoever else occupied the room at the time. Serenity always seemed beyond my control…where does this serenity come from? It comes from trusting that everything in my life is exactly as it should be…it comes when I choose to care for myself rather than to fix someone else…
Thought for the day: I am powerless over many things, but my serenity is not one of them.”
Trust—a kind of steadiness— leads to surrender which leads to freedom.
Serenity.
From Courage to Change, August 30:
“Normally my sponsor would recommend a gratitude list when I felt low, but one day, when I complained about a family situation, he suggested that I list all the things I was unhappy about. Several days later my depression had passed, and when I told my sponsor about the terrific day I was having, he suggested a gratitude list. He thought it might help me to refer to it the next time I felt blue. That made sense to me, so I complied.
When I went to put this new list in the drawer where I keep my papers, I noticed the earlier list and read it once more. To my surprise, my list of grievances was almost identical to my gratitude list—the same people, same house, same life. Nothing about my circumstances had changed except the way I felt about them. For the first time I truly understood how much my attitude dictates the way I experience the world.
Today’s Reminder:
Today I recognize how powerful my mind can be. I can’t always feel good, and I have no interest in whitewashing my difficulties by pasting a smile on my face. But I recognize that I am constantly making choices about how how I perceive my world. With the help of Al-Anon and my friends in the fellowship, I can make these choices more consciously and more actively than ever before.”
‘Change your thoughts and you change your world.’ Norman Vincent Peale
I can make an effort to be grateful instead of sad. It’s a conscious choice—because I want to be happy.
From “The Forum,” August, 2015, p. 19:
“I’m so grateful I found a way out of sadness, a way to take care of myself each day, and a relationship with the God of my understanding, who will never abandon me. The pain I’ve felt in the past is equal to the measure of joy I feel now.”
That’s quite a mouthful. Whoever wrote those words in “The Forum” is saying that somewhere between despair and happiness she or he did some work, found some answers. For me, anyway, I entered into a state of grace. I quite deliberately let go of my pain, which served no further purpose in my life. The lessons it taught me have been learned. I’ve put my sadness in a back drawer—and replaced it with positive thoughts that keep me motivated to reclaim my life, my remaining loved ones, and keep my heart ticking.
Grief is not a badge I wear anymore.
Joyfulness is.