Courage

Darkness and Light

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From “The Forum,” December, 2016:

“When I’m taking that long walk down that dark hallway, I might as well keep going. It’s just as hard if I turn around, and then where have I gotten?”

 

There’s no going around it; you have to walk through the pain to get to the other side.

Addiction is a family illness and it affects all family members, not just the addict. There’s sadness, guilt, an inflated sense of responsibility, not to mention shame and secrecy.

I’ve spent years learning how to cope with the reality of my daughter’s drug addiction. But I’m glad I stuck around long enough to get to the other side. I didn’t want to such a cruel disease to destroy another victim. We can all fight the stigma that tears so many families apart.

 

 

Making It Real

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Step Five: Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

 

This is an honest program, and I recognize that I’ve been lying to myself and others my whole life. Shame, stigma, embarrassment were just a few of my rationales. But the lies kept my addictions going. I didn’t have to face them if I didn’t acknowledge them.

Telling someone else was the game changer for me. Other people became the mirrors I needed for valuable feedback. And telling other people made it all real. I could no longer hide in the shadows with my defects.

Bringing them out in the open with witnesses gives us a chance to deal with our defects more honestly and effectively. Freeing myself of some of my defects is critical to my growth and recovery in the program. My defects were roadblocks for me and contributed to my drinking.

I’m glad I’ve come out of isolation and faced myself. Day by day, I’m healing and getting better.

 

 

I Believe

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From Each Day A New Beginning, May 1:

“We may see clearly how and why we get in our own way. But unless we have faith in a power greater than ourselves, we won’t step aside. We won’t let go. We’ll do the same things and “understand” ourselves in the same ways. We may even use our “insight” to keep ourselves stuck—to  protect ourselves from the risk of change.

Now, having had a spiritual awakening, having come to believe that a higher power can restore us, we possess a gift more powerful than the keenest insight—faith in our ability to grow and change. We are children of God. All the creative power of the universe streams through us, if we don’t block it.”

The unseeable. The unknowable. Faith.

Before recovery, if I didn’t see it, it wasn’t there. Now, like Indiana Jones, I’ve learned to take that leap of faith that frightened me most of my life. And I’ve been rewarded.

God has become the pilot of my ship. I can sit back and enjoy the ride. I don’t have to be in charge anymore.

And I know that all will be well.

“But For The Grace Of God…”

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My sister lost her husband a few months ago and she’s just starting to come out of the fog. I called her for her birthday last week but she couldn’t talk. She was sobbing. So she decided to spend her birthday visiting a friend of our mother’s, a 96-year-old woman who is bedridden with round the clock care. And my sister experienced how things could be so much worse for her.

It’s all a matter of perspective, how we see things, how our attitudes govern the way we live our lives.

Gratitude in hard times takes the wisdom of knowing that my life could be worse in an infinite amount of ways.

Mirrors

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From Each Day A New Beginning, February 11:

 “’It’s odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don’t quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.’ ~Lady Bird Johnson

Preoccupation with self can be the bane of our existence. It prevents all but the narrowest perspective on any problem. It cuts off any guidance…that may be offered through a friend…When we open our minds to fresh input from others, insights emerge. We need the messages others are trying to give us.”

 

An end to my isolation. Opening my mind and heart to what others offer me.

For many years, I closed myself off from these offerings. I was busy with my life, self-sufficient…but unhappy. I was pretty bewildered about that—yet resigned to it.

Then—for the worst possible reason—I joined a recovery program that provided tools to help me climb out of my self-imposed misery. There are many new attitudes that I have adopted over time. But the most critical, I think, has been taking the risk to open myself to others and learn about myself using others’ perspectives to add balance to my own.

I’m not afraid of mirrors anymore.

I’ve had to let go of years of denial and preconceived notions about myself. I’ve had to learn how to be honest. And in doing that, I have discovered my own humanity. I am not unique but part of a fellowship of equals who share a common bond.

No longer alone or lonely, I’m learning how to accept life on life’s terms…and be happy.

Turning It Over

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From Courage to Change, January 23:

“In Step Three, we “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”  This is a big decision for those of us who have a tough time making even small decisions. Until I found Alanon, I tended to let others decide how I should live, where I should go, and what I should do. The paradox is that, though I took little responsibility for my own life, I saw myself as an expert on everyone else’s life and felt accountable for all that happened.

The order in which the first three Steps are written helps me overcome these attitude problems. First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable (when I try to exert control, my words). Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two Steps, it becomes possible, desirable, and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power’s care.”

 

Many feel that the First Step is the hardest: to admit that we are powerless to help our loved one through addiction. We love, and intuitively, we want to rescue him from the disaster than might be coming. But—and this is a process that takes longer for some than others—once we accept the reality of our powerlessness, and ask for help to let go of our loved one in his addiction, there is a freedom that defies description.

And we can move on with our lives.

Remember life? It’s still out there!

“Living Well Is The Best Revenge”

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I’ve received many emails from moms asking me how I cope with the living death of Angie’s heroin addiction. She’s neither dead nor alive. Many of my friends here know the hellish limbo I’m living in, without any resolution or closure. But I have found a way to cope well and move on with my life. This is what I wrote back:

 

“I put my grief in a back drawer and close it. Then I look at what’s in my front drawers every morning. I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for. Instead of focusing on the problem, I try to keep my mind on the solution. This is how I live. It keeps me humble, grateful, and glad to be alive. I honor Angie’s memory in this way, and I truly believe she would want me to live well and be happy. Blessings to you, Mom.”

 

Life Is For The Living; Live It Well!

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From Courage to Change, March 23:

“They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind me.”

‘When we long for life without…difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.’ ~Peter Marshall

 

There is no life without difficulty. But my recovery program has given me the tools to embrace the challenges I face with grace under pressure. Acceptance of what is. Joy in the simple things. Gratitude for all I have. When I steer my attitude in a positive direction, life is good.

Let your brilliance shine like diamonds in 2018. Best wishes to my friends and family. God Bless Us, Every One!

 

Everyone Benefits

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From Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, p. 172:

“I was powerless over the death of my husband, but I had choices about what to make of my life from that point on. I could choose to be bitter and angry that my husband was gone, or I could be grateful for the time we had together. I could look at life as something to be endured alone, or I could embrace every moment. I could choose to look at my future with fear, or I could think of it as an adventure waiting to unfold…I’m astonished to discover that not only in spite of, but because of my losses, I am more keenly aware of the tenuousness, the delicacy, and the beauty of every moment.”

 

I particularly like this book because its premise is a dark place and we are shown through the sharing of others’ stories the importance of attitude and how transformative it can be. How we can and should rise above the pain of our losses. Things are what they are, to be sure, but how we choose to view our circumstances determines our state of mind.

Recovery has opened my mind to choices I never felt empowered to make before. I was on automatic pilot, held hostage to many ideas and behaviors that were unhealthy. But I’ve learned that I can change, and making different choices puts me on a path to greater peace and serenity.

At this time of new resolutions every year, I resolve on a daily basis to do what works best for me. And if I’m happy with my choices I can see that contentment rubbing off onto those around me. Everyone benefits from my ongoing recovery.