A friend just sent me this link to a show about a new way to treat addicts in Seattle—a far more humane way to deal with the growing epidemic. Addiction has come out of the shadows, and the conversation is growing. Attitudes will change over time. And the shame and stigma will eventually be replaced by more widespread compassion and an increase in more effective treatment programs.
Courage
The Adult Child: Growing Up In The Program
Memoir Excerpt:
“Recovery from addiction, one’s own or from the effects of someone else’s, is not an easy accomplishment. My program of recovery has enabled me to grow in self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-forgiveness. I’ve committed many sins in my life, against my sister and others. There were very few consequences, and so I internalized my guilt. I would be forever crippled until I found a way to let go of that baggage.
This healing Program has shown me how to face myself in the mirror honestly, with gentleness, kindness and praise for the good things I have done. I’ve learned how to hold myself accountable for my actions and cease blaming others. I’ve learned the importance of making a simple apology, something I didn’t learn as a child.
In fact, I’ve often said in meetings that I grew up in my recovery groups. And it’s true. I am an adult child: chronologically an adult but emotionally immature, though less so as I continue in my recovery. Many of us who grow up with alcoholism have addictive personalities ourselves and find ourselves ill prepared to meet life’s challenges effectively. We often marry our addicted parent, or we look outside of ourselves for sources of comfort. There is an absence of differentiation, as Dr. Gabor Maté explains (237). Many of us overeat, pop too many pills, shop too much, drink too much, work too much, etc. Addiction is everywhere in our society. It temporarily fills in our hollow spaces until we feel better. A soundly moral character, among many other things, has gone a long way toward keeping my addictions at bay—one day at a time.”
Doing The Difficult…
When I joined Al-Anon fourteen years ago, I just wanted to save my daughter from the grips of addiction. I went back to meetings but kept wondering, “Where was the magic bullet?” God kept me going to those fellowship meetings, even after I realized that there was none. Many newcomers leave at this point, but I’m glad I kept going back. It gradually dawned on me that I had a huge problem and that I was sick too. And so I started to listen better and put the focus on myself. I learned how I was unknowingly making a bad situation worse, and how for my own sake, if not for Angie’s, I needed to try to change my attitude and behavior. I needed to muster a lot of courage where my daughter was concerned, something I hadn’t been able to do before. Now, many meetings, readings, and roller coaster rides later, happiness is a gift I give myself every day that I work my spiritual program. And “it’s an inside job!” Blessings to all!
“Never, Ever Give Up Hope”
I feel very honored to be a guest on Carol Graham’s Radio Show, “Never, Ever Give Up Hope.” It was such a pleasure to talk about my memoir with Carol, who has overcome many personal challenges, and has written about them in her own book, Battered Hope.
Our conversation shines a light on my daughter Angie before she became ill with drug addiction, which only emphasizes the tragedy and cruelty of the disease that is claiming so many of our young people. But the memoir is primarily my story where I gradually weave my own recovery into the pages even as I’ve watched my daughter falter. Carol and I share the same philosophy: that no matter what life throws our way, we can learn to deal with it and live well and happily.
She has become a good friend. I look forward to continuing my story in my next memoir—a lighter, humorous collection of stories from my travels and escapades—and talking with her again.
The interview has gone live. You can listen to it on her website: http://neverevergiveuphopenet.blogspot.ca/2016/04/love-and-redemption-overcoming-guilt.html
You can also find it on Apple i-Tunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/love-redemption-overcoming/id1014754680?i=365336143&mt=2
Or listen to the Stitcher podcast:
http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/never-ever-give-up-hope?refid=stpr
I hope you will enjoy, share, and review these downloads and invite your friends to do the same. I think it’s important to continue the conversation around addiction so it will lose its stigma and someday be viewed with the same compassion as other chronic illnesses.
The Power Of Choice
I am not a victim, but an active participant in my own life. I learned the 3 A’s in Al-Anon: awareness, acceptance, and action. Those are three very loaded concepts. Awareness requires some honesty and courage, the willingness to look in the mirror and face one’s reflection—sometimes good and sometimes not; acceptance asks us to recognize the difference between changing what we can and what we can’t, which is really huge and really hard for most ordinary humans like myself; and action asks more courage of us to make changes—rendering our lives happier and more productive.
I may be an adult child, but I’m growing up. I will take responsibility for my own life, for my successes and my failures. In this way I feel empowered, no matter the outcome, to be the star in my own show. “I don’t want to wake up one day and find I’m at the end of someone else’s life!”
Self-Love
Unlocking the key to this is the key to 12-Step recovery, because with it we become empowered to intelligently deal with the addiction of a loved one. In a letter to another parent I said, “ I love my daughter with all my heart and soul. But it’s been learning how to love and value myself that has elevated me from the reality I live with—“elevate,” as in rise above, detach from, avoid becoming enmeshed in and manipulated by the addict. Oh, it’s a sad, sorry catechism we mothers of addicts must learn in order to survive the addiction of a child.
But if we can create even a little bit of distance and objectivity from the problem that is consuming us, we might be gifted with some freedom: to look around us and appreciate (and allow ourselves to be distracted by)) other blessings in our lives, whether it’s a good job, good health, other healthy children, grandchildren, or a sunny day. Life goes on, relentlessly, with or without us. I choose to live well in the time I have left. My recovery has taught me that I deserve to.
Penteli Mountain
My son and I loved to fly kites when he was growing up in Virginia. The right kind of wind could propel his paper bird high and far, with us right on its tail giving it enough slack to keep it soaring in the air currents.
He’s a grown man now, but I remember a day twenty-five years ago when we were living in Athens, Greece. We were driving home from his friend Chris’ house. Chris lived on Penteli Mountain, one of my favorite haunts outside of Athens. From the crest of this hill on a clear day in winter you could see the whole bowl of Athens, with the smog hovering overhead, and even beyond. This was where the Brits came to celebrate Boxer Day every December 26. They hiked up more for the whiskey than the view, but that’s another story.
As we turned the corner, we saw the tail of a kite peeking out from under a pile of rubbish. We knew it was a kite tail because it had flags zigzagging down the string. Also, everyone came to fly kites on Penteli Mountain in December when the weather changed. This kite had lost its wind and lay abandoned in the field, its owners having no more use for it.
And so, our curiosity taking over, we stopped the car, got out, and went to investigate. Right away our curiosity turned into compassion and we wanted to breathe new life into this broken and tattered old kite. I never thought that something inanimate could come to life. But at this time in my life there was a dying in me that I knew I had to defeat or it would defeat me. My son was part of this tragedy, and somehow we knew that the road to healing could start with repairing this kite and watching it fly again. A dust-covered old TV pinning it down to the ground was holding the kite hostage. Its colorful tail saved it from certain death.
So we took the kite home and repaired it with glue and tape. We waited for a good day with just enough wind to try and fly it. The day finally came, a clear sunny day with a nice breeze. Together we took the kite back to the mountain and flew it. We watched it continue to rise and float in the air until all the string was used up. We ran with it as it leaped in the wind. It was flying like it was brand new – a miracle!
We didn’t let that kite go. We brought it down and carefully put it in the car. We knew we would probably never fly it again, but we couldn’t let go of something that had taught us such an eloquent lesson: I was sure from that day on that there are second chances in life for those who have the heart to reach for them.
The Courage To Change
From Each Day a New Beginning, 10/12:
“…there are two entirely opposite attitudes in facing the problems of one’s life. One, to try and change the external world; the other, to try and change oneself. —Joanna Field
God grant us the courage to change what we can—ourselves. How difficult it is to let go of our struggles to control and change someone else. How frequently we assume that everything would be fine if only someone else would change. All that needs to change is an attitude, our own.
Taking responsibility for improving one’s own life is an important step toward emotional health. Blaming another for our circumstances keeps us stuck and offers no hope for improved conditions. Personal power is as available as our decision to use it. And it is bolstered by all the strength we’ll ever need. The decision to take our lives in hand will exhilarate us. The decision each day to be thoughtful, prayerful, and wholly responsible for all that we do will nourish our developing selves. Each responsible choice moves us toward our wholeness, strengthening our sense of self, our wellbeing.
I will change only who I can today: myself.”
I read a good definition of addiction the other day. It said something like this: when we focus on another substance, or the love of someone else, or another activity as the source of our happiness and well being, then it takes on the attractive power of addiction. This includes our belief that if someone else would change, we’d be happy. I’ve stopped measuring my happiness on things and people outside of myself. If I keep the focus on myself, and keep my side of the street clean, all will be well in my world. I pray for the happiness of Angie and all my loved ones, and then I let it go and get back to the business of living. I believe that things are unfolding as they are meant to.
Happiness Is An Inside Job
Memoir Excerpt:
“How I’ve been able to even think about my own recovery, much less reach for it, on the bones of my daughter is a testimony to the power of transformation through spiritual recovery. And only as my recovery deepens have I been able to withstand this struggle with any serenity or grace.”
“Our mettle has been tested, all of us as parents. We’ve paid our dues, and in my case, sometimes in service to my daughter’s addiction. Now can we go beyond mere acceptance of our lot and transform our lives into one that we deserve? Sometimes, being human, I feel, ‘how can I?’ But I’ve reached a point in my own journey where I want not only to survive the effects of this disease, but also to live well. I don’t want Addiction to win twice. This is the promise of Al-Anon. This is my hope for my future.”
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.’ I cannot change the fact that Angie is an addict, and I cannot “wish” her into recovery. I can only love her. And—this catch-22 has taken me most of my life to learn—I can only love her or anyone else in my life with any integrity, if I love and value and respect and cherish myself first.”
Attitude Is Everything
Memoir Excerpt:
“When it’s dark enough, you can see the stars.” Charles A. Beard
Over the years in my struggle with Angie and her drug addiction, and certainly at the beginning, I wondered if I would ever run out of tears. They seemed to swim in a bottomless well of grief. But I’ve been fortunate to discover and nurture many spiritual tools that have helped me walk through this nightmare and that have sustained me. Though I’ll never stop grieving for my daughter and missing her, my life gets better when I apply acceptance, gratitude and faith in God’s plan for me. As I’ve learned to “let go and let God,” I’ve freed myself to appreciate all the blessings in my life that are right in front of me. And this is how I cultivate being happy.