Positive Persuasion

From Each Day A New Beginning, September21

“Praise and an attitude of gratitude are unbeatable stimulators…we increase whatever we extol.” ~Sylvia Stitt Edwards

Our attitude in regard to any situation attracting our attention influences the outcome. Sometimes to our favor, often to our disfavor if our attitude is negative.

Thankfulness toward life guarantees the rewards we desire, the rewards we seek too often from an ungrateful stance. The feeling of gratitude is foreign to many of us. We came to this program feeling worthless, sometimes rejected, frequently depressed. It seemed life had heaped problems in our laps, and so it had. The more we lamented what life “gave us,” the more reasons we were given to lament. We got just what we expected. We still get just what we expect. The difference is that the program has offered us the key to higher expectations. Gratitude for the good in our lives increases the good…”

It’s hard for me to improve upon these words. Except to say that my daughter is still lost to me after 22 years in the world of drugs and all that it accompanies. As she has gone deeper into the weeds of that life, my grief over losing her has transformed itself into a better  place, a place that works for me. (read a great Al-Anon book, Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, for sale on Amazon).

When my nightmare began all those years ago, I was incredulous that this was happening to my daughter, as though she were any different from all the vulnerable young people out there. She wasn’t and still isn’t. The more I fought to save her, the more my own health and well-being deteriorated.  After several years of doing everything I could think of (much of it misguided help), I finally got the message that I was powerless over her disease. And that’s when I started to turn toward the light.

The miracle of all the 12-step programs is assuring us that we have the power to change. I’m only as miserable as I make up my mind to be. In the beginning, I blamed all that misery on my daughter’s poor choices, of course, feeling more victimized than ever. But when I gave up that martyred attitude, and took back my own power, my life started to work better for me. I never stopped loving her and praying for her. But I have two other children, grandchildren, a loving partner… and the list goes on.

Every morning when I wake up, where should I put my focus? Should I fall back into bed and immerse myself in a mother’s endless grief? God knows I’ve wanted to often enough. Or should I focus on those kids and grandkids who need me now?

Walking Through Cancer/Part 7

                                  

                                                     Big Girl Pants

Early in my diary entries, after my first bone marrow biopsy, I thanked the doctors who approved administering conscious sedation to me during the procedure. I referred to the men and women who didn’t receive it,, most ungenerously, as “screaming meemies,” because presumably they couldn’t tolerate the procedure awake. Now that the clinical trial has reopened, things are moving quickly, and there wasn’t time to schedule conscious sedation this time. But Ativan was approved. So after my blood draw, I went into the procedure suite and waited for the oral sedation to take effect. It didn’t, not at all. Too nervous, I guess.

So, without blinking an eye, I turned over onto my side and let the nurse/practitioner begin her work. It helped me to have a nurse I knew come in and hold my hands, which were getting sweatier by the minute.

“I’m going to give you a few shots of lidocaine, Marilea, so you’ll feel a little pin prick.”

No big deal.

“Now I’m going to go deeper into the tissue with more lidocaine.”

Ouch, that really hurt, a deep ache.

She was coaching me like I was giving birth,

“Deep breaths, Marilea. A deep one into your nose and then exhale out of your mouth.”

“Okay, I’m going to get some liquid aspirate now. Deep breaths.”

“Another deep breath, Marilea. Okay, halfway there. One more puncture.”

I felt a very deep ache in my hip. Moaned a little, kept up the breathing. This part took a while. She was carving a small piece of bone out of my hip and placing it in a wider, hollow needle.

Then it was over. Maybe twenty minutes.

I finished dressing and Gene steadied me as we were leaving. NOW the Ativan kicked in! I slept when I got home, disturbing my sleep cycle. Definitely not worth the trouble. Even if it had put me to sleep in time, the pain would have woken me up. I’ll never elect oral sedation again, and I may forgo conscious sedation as well the next time. It’s a nuisance with scheduling and getting me ready (starvation beforehand, for one). Since I have blood cancer, I know I’ll be getting regular bone marrow biopsies, so I may as well make friends with them.

This journey has taught me many things. And one of them, as I get deeper into the weeds of treatment and all the discomforts, is that I’m tougher than I thought I was. Remember, up until now there has been no need for me to undergo these tests and procedures. But I’m at a new normal now, and more grit will be required of me. For those of you who have been following me on this journey, you know that I’ve been challenged emotionally most of my life. It usually took the form of substance use disorder, but thankfully I’m in recovery from years of that behavior. And right now, when I most need it, my recovery is serving me exceedingly well.

Success

“To laugh often and much,

To win the respect

of intelligent people

and the affection of children,

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure

the betrayal of false friends

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others!

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch

or a redeemed social condition.

To know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived—

This is to have succeeded.”

This is all about making a small difference in the world. I hope I have.

Walking Trough Cancer/Part 6

                                                   Now, it Begins…

It’s been a long, hot summer with family around most of the time. But no cancer treatment, a good thing so I could fully enjoy them.

Big girl pants, the time has come.  It’s September 11.

I’m scheduled to have my port implanted in two days, at 8:00 in the morning. So, another hotel stay to avoid having to wake at 5:00 am so that we’ll be on time. We’ve had to do this several times on this journey and we’ve turned them into  mini-vacays and dinners out together. There will surely be more. Lemons to lemonade, a lifelong skill!

I have been nervous about the port placement. But once again the nurses there added some conscious sedation to my IV so that it would be bearable. And it was, just pretty sore afterwards when the lidocaine wore off. I’ll get to see if my new mattrass will keep me on my back.

It feels weird having a foreign object in my shoulder, and I don’t particularly like it. But it’s really the most efficient way to receive my transfusions. A few people who have used their veins have seen them turn black from the poisonous liquid. Chemotherapy saves many, many lives, but it also has a well-known dark side.

After a long, dry period, things are moving quickly because the clinical trial is about to reopen. And they are nothing if not thorough at Fred Hutch. My port is in pace now. Next week I’ll have another PET scan. Then I’ll have my third bone marrow aspiration right after that. And the last procedure that I know of is a heart exam called a MUGA scan, which is a trip through a machine with some liquids in my vein to check the status of my heart. This last test is to see if my heart is strong enough to tolerate the chemotherapy.

After months of delay and frustration, it looks like I’m about to start climbing that mountain. I’m feeling energized and optimistic. To fight the feeling that my life is out of control, I try to stay as well-organized as possible. I bought a “chemo cap” from Amazon which, when kept very cold, you put on just before the infusions begin. The rationale is that the cold will insulate my hair cells from the harmful chemotherapy, preventing my hair from falling out or at least helping it grow back quickly. I’m not optimistic about its efficacy, but I’m willing to try anything to feel “normal” during the process. And I have a pile of scarves and bandanas o cover my head if necessary.

My friends have donated them all to me. Because of all the support I’ve been given from so many, this has not been a lonely journey. Even if I can’t fully prepare for what comes next, I know that I am in the loving arms of friends, family, and God, most of all. I know that, from beginning to end, I will never be alone.

“The Road Less Traveled”

I think we, who are willing to be in this room and undergo personal change, are brave souls.

When I joined Al-Anon, I was in my Fifties, and anxious to save another person I loved.  But oh what a joy it’s been to let go of that obsession, which was becoming so shrill and counterproductive.

I was relieved to turn the focus back on myself and learn that my faulty attitudes were the source of my pain, not the people around me.

Regarding the amends steps, it’s possible to overuse them, just as we might exaggerate our negative defects in the 4th step. I’ve done both! That’s why it’s so important to understand the purpose of amends: reaching personal freedom.

These are intended to be hopeful steps, not self-flagellation. Making this list and then acting on it is just another way to weed our garden. My husband’s always reminding me to weed close to what we’re growing, so that nothing interferes with the growth of the plant.

Making amends is not always pretty, and rather than freedom I sometimes look for forgiveness and closure. With my daughter, Annie, she threw them right back in my face. So I knew I was on the wrong track to expect absolution from her, and my sponsor helped me appreciate my efforts and then let them go.

My real reward has been surviving that loss without the need to punish myself for it.  Truth is, I’m really not that important! Things happen in life, and it’s not always my fault.

How Important Is It?

I will ry to keep things in perspective in terms of importance. Keep a clear head and don’t get sidetracked by emotional drama.

For example, if closing the door to the microwave wakes someone up, how important is it? The person we woke up should ask him/herself, “Is it worth having a fight over?” The people most vulnerable to this slogan sometimes just thrive on the drama. Don’t buy into it.

Move on, distract, find a healthier and larger perspective. We can get so bogged down in pettiness that we stop seeing the larger picture. Today I will try to remember what’s most important in my life—getting along with my partner—and do what I must to protect that.

Gone But Never Forgotten

My unsent letter to my child:

Dear Annie,

Ironic, isn’t it, that you have become my teacher and not the other way around—teacher of life, teacher of love, and beacon of surrender.

I’m so grateful that you were born, even though at times I’ve felt otherwise. God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Though you haven’t been in my life long, and not always happily, it’s been your very existence that has propelled me into a serenely spiritual life, even happiness. I never would have done the work necessary to reach this place without your inspiration.

You are my child, my teacher. As I’ve stumbled on this rocky path, my thoughts of you have guided me; they guide me still.

All that I’ve become are gifts from you, my daughter: life lessons, trial by fire. How do I honor you?

By living well—By loving well.

Mom

“Let Go And Let God”

Let Go and Let God (p. 28, 95, 107, 125131,n163, 220, 294, 361) “Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies to power.”

Remember, “our best thinking got us into the rooms.” In other words, our minds can be dangerous places to go without some help. In Al-Anon we turn to a Higher Power. It can be God, a tree, or the group itself. As long as it’s not just us. Our egos and willfulness can blind us so much to taking a healthy course of action. And we’re just trying to help our children, so it’s easy to rationalize and justify our actions. That’s where educating myself about the disease gripping my daughter has been so critical for me. Over time I finally accepted that I didn’t have the power to save her from her disease. That was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one. I learned to let go and concentrate on what I could control. That’s when I started to feel free and serene and able to move forward with my life. I wish the same for all my brothers and sisters in these rooms. God Bless!

Relax!

What is your favorite slogan? Page quotes are from One Day At A Time:

Easy Does It (p. 19, 111, 189, 238, 301) “When we come into Al-Anon, burdened with problems and confusion, we are confronted with a bright light of hope. This may tempt us to try too hard to learn, too quickly, all there is to learn about the program.”

So, take in what you can when you can, at your own pace. Many people leave before the miracle happens because they felt overwhelmed. I’m so very glad I didn’t and stuck around.

Looking For Solid Ground

Looking for Solid Ground

From Hope for Today, November 12:

“Serenity? What’s that? For years I was like a weather vane that spun around according to the air currents that other people generated…I attributed these mood swings to nervousness, lack of assurance, and whoever else occupied the room at the time. Serenity always seemed beyond my control…where does this serenity come from? It comes from trusting that everything in my life is exactly as it should be…it comes when I choose to care for myself rather than to fix someone else…

Thought for the day: I am powerless over many things, but my serenity is not one of them.”

Trust—a kind of steadiness— leads to surrender which leads to freedom.

Serenity.