Serenity

Living In The Solution

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

I messaged a friend on Facebook: “Oh, God Bless, Maryann, my heart goes out to you and all of us mothers. I often say in my book and on these sites that I’m grieving a living death because Angie, my daughter, is not the person who’s walking in her shoes. She’s split right down the middle. Anyway, we all have different stories, but some parts are so familiar. My memoir was all about finding solutions for myself, and I hope it helps you too. One thing I’ve learned on this difficult journey is to live in the solution, not in the problem. That’s how I’ve learned to be happy. Hugs to you!

From a Nar-Anon handout: “People like myself whose problems have brought them to the point of despair have come to Nar-Anon to seek advice and find solutions. As soon as they attend the first meeting they feel like they have come home and feel like they are among people who really understand. And fortunate is the newcomer who finds a group that permits such expression. It gives those who have gone before them a way to give encouragement and hope. The newcomer discovers that it is by giving and receiving in our sharing that we are able to heal ourselves, and slowly we are able to regain control of our lives again.

But still more fortunate is the newcomer who finds a group that does not allow such unburdening to continue meeting after meeting. There is work to be done; Nar-Anon is not a sounding board for continually reviewing our miseries, but a way to learn how to detach ourselves from them.

A Recovery reminder:

I will learn by listening, by reading all the Nar-Anon literature as well as all good books on the subject of addiction, by working and trying to live the 12 Steps. The more I read and study the more knowledge I receive. Knowledge is power, and I will be able to help myself as well as others.”

Taking Ownership Of My Own Recovery

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

“Many people are not strong enough to battle the terrible force of addiction on their own. Application of the Twelve Steps had proven successful over and over again since they were put together by a couple of alcoholics and their friends back in the late 1930’s. Addicts need help; some say they need spiritual help. Our society is full of naysayers—skeptics who eschew these programs that are found in every major city across the country, and in big cities, in many of the churches, meeting three or four times a day. There’s a reason for the popularity of Twelve-Step programs: they work for many people. So I promised myself I would try harder now. Angie was worth it. Angie was worth it?

There is no one place on this journey to pinpoint where I discovered that I was worth it. I knew what a flawed human being I was. I was aware of my mistakes along the way—big ones and little ones.

But as I was starting to embrace the principles found in these Twelve Steps I was reacquainting myself over and over again with my own humanity and feeling my self-worth solidify with roots into the earth. None of this growth in me would have occurred if Angie’s illness hadn’t pushed me onto this path. And I would always—still—reckon with the survivor guilt that has challenged my right to be happy while my daughter still struggles with addiction.

There are many who view Twelve-Step groups as cultish and unattractive. There’s such a powerful stigma in our society against addiction in all its forms that, I suppose, families of addicts suffer from guilt by association. Early on in my recovery my sister, Lucy, once said that it must be nice to have “those people” to talk to. But as she’s watched me grow and change these past few years I think she’s developed a healthy respect for the Program.

To this day, though, Lucy has never discussed with me the dark side of our father, the alcoholic. Maybe she never saw his dark side, as I did. To her, he was the best father in the world, and I have no need to invade that sacred place where she holds him in her heart. In fact, I agree with her. He was a very loving man who passed on many gifts to his children and grandchildren. Yes, he was sick, and he died too young because of it. But just as I have forgiven my mother for any ways she may have hurt me so have I lovingly accepted my father’s illness. And in learning to forgive my parents and others who have wounded me in my life, it has become easier for me to forgive myself for my own shortcomings.

I, being an addict, a daughter of one and a parent of one, have found myself quite at home among these seekers of peace and serenity. I’ve been in the right place for twelve years now, and I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel for the wisdom in this simple program that has helped me to look forward to the sun coming up every day—and to embrace my life in its entirety.”

more predawn colors

“Surrender To Win”

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

From Each Day A New Beginning, January 9:

 ‘The Chinese say that water is the most powerful element, because it is perfectly nonresistant. It can wear away a rock and sweep all before it.’ —Florence Skovel Shinn

“Nonresistance, ironically, may be a posture we struggle with. Nonresistance means surrendering the ego absolutely. For many of us, the ego, particularly disguised as false pride, spurred us on to struggle after struggle. ‘Can’t they see I’m right,’ we moaned, and our resistance only created more of itself. Conversely, flowing with life, ‘bubbling’ with the ripples, giving up our ego, releases us from an energy that heals the situation—that smoothes the negative vibrations in our path. Peace comes to us. We will find serenity each time we willingly humble ourselves.”

‘Resistance is more familiar. Nonresistance means growth and peace. I’ll try for serenity today.’

I wrote in my memoir toward the end: “This is where I was in my recovery as I left San Francisco, at that hard won place I’d fought through years of resistance to find: the end of the battle—acceptance.” That’s what the above reading is all about, I think. Letting go of my desperate need to save Angie from her addiction, and coming to accept that I simply don’t have that power. “I can only love her. And loving is enough. Loving is always enough. That has been my lesson.”

“That’s What Recovery Feels Like…”

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt: 

“In a letter to a friend: ‘So how to get through the holidays? It’s all in how we see things, our attitude, how we choose to view our world. I make myself look on the bright side of things, not because I’m a goody-goody (Ha!), but because it makes me feel better. At what point in the road did I decide I deserved to be happy? I don’t know. But when you reach it, you’ll know. And you’ll feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. That’s what recovery feels like.

All the best to you, my friend, and hope the holidays will be less of a chore for you this year. Keep in touch and take good care of yourself. Maggie’”

All the hype and increased expectations pull on our heartstrings over the holidays like no other time of year. I used to dread them, but with each passing year of recovery, I’m grateful for my acceptance of situations I cannot change—as well as my ability to celebrate rainbows.

Girl splashing water in a puddle after a rain

“If Onlys Are Lonely”

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

From Each Day A New Beginning, November 24:

‘If onlys are lonely.’ Morgan Jennings

“The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life’s heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn’t, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence…

The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead…

I will breathe deeply and relax. At this moment my every need is being attended to. My life is unfolding exactly as it should.”

I’ve wrestled with my faith most of my life, always too self-reliant for my own good. But as I’ve watched my daughter succumb to heroin addiction, it has been a great comfort to me to learn how to harness a newfound belief in the power of something outside of myself, something I can turn to in my despair and know that something beautiful will come out of it. And it has: my whole life, and how I choose to live it now, is a miracle.

Food For Thought

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

 

I’ve been talking a lot about detachment lately—and how the practice of it has given me much well deserved peace. But it sure gets me thinking about the topic of “attachment” to our loved ones, and what that has entailed. That, to me, is what much of our healing journey is all about. Shedding light on one helps us attain the other.

 

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” A.J. Cronin

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

From Courage to Change, September 4:

“As we let go of obsession, worry, and focusing on everyone but ourselves, many of us were bewildered by the increasing calmness of our minds. We knew how to live in a state of crisis, but it often took a bit of adjustment to become comfortable with stillness. The price of serenity was the quieting of the constant mental chatter that had taken up so much time; suddenly we had lots of time on our hands and we wondered how to fill it.

Having become more and more serene as a result of working the Al-Anon program, I was surprised to find myself still grabbing for old fears as if I wanted to remain in crisis. I realized that I didn’t feel safe unless I was mentally busy. When I worried, I felt involved—and therefore somewhat in control.

As an exercise, my sponsor suggested that I try to maintain my inner stillness even when I felt scared or doubtful. As I did so, I reassured myself again and again that I was safely in the care of a Power greater than myself. Today I know that sanity and serenity are the gifts I have received for my efforts and my faith. With practice, I am learning to trust the peace.

Today’s Reminder:

Today I will relish my serenity. I know that it is safe to enjoy it.

‘Be still and know that I am with you.’ English prayer”

 

When I was obsessing about Angie, and deeply enmeshed in her constant drama, I felt a lot of things: needed, important, and valued—all of these things not good for my addict because they kept me in my own illness: pandering to her needs and enabling her.

I pray every day to remain detached with love from my precious daughter, the hardest thing in the world, to abandon my need to rescue—and to enjoy the God-given peace I’ve worked so hard to have. I wish the same for us all!

A Different Lens

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

more predawn colors

 

“We are all broken—that’s how the light gets in.” Ernest Hemingway

As I’ve watched Angie slipping away all these years, I’ve learned to view my life through a different lens. The tools of recovery have taught me how to be grateful for what I have, how to let go of people and situations that I can’t change, and to have faith in something greater, wiser, and more powerful than I am. Losing my child to addiction did break me a few years ago, and in my brokenness I turned toward the light that had never left. I’m so grateful that I still had the eyes to see it.

Chasing The Butterfly

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

From Each Day A New Beginning, July 19:

‘At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.’—Maya Angelou

“We had to surrender to a power greater than ourselves to get where we are today. And each day, we have to turn to that power for strength and guidance. For us, resistance means struggle—struggle with others as well as an internal struggle.

Serenity isn’t compatible with struggle. We cannot control forces outside of ourselves. We cannot control the actions of our family or our co-workers. We can control our responses to them. And when we choose to surrender our attempts to control, we will find peace and serenity.

That which we abhor, that which we fear, that which we wish to conquer seems suddenly to be gone when we decide to resist no more—to tackle it no more.

The realities of life come to us in mysterious ways. We fight so hard, only to learn that what we need will never be ours until the struggle is forsaken. Surrender brings enlightenment.”

Midstream

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

peaceamidthestorm

“The whole course of things goes to teach us faith. We need only obey. There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life, place yourself in the full center of that flood, then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right, and a perfect contentment.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson