Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving

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Dear Friends,

It’s that time of year again—that challenging time of year—when holidays and all they symbolize beckon us into that place of remembrance. This is the time of year when I really step up my program.  A spirit of gratitude has been the one tool that has always worked to elevate me from my despair around my daughter. So I hope that we can bring that spirit into our lives during this season of thanksgiving and count our blessings. We’ve all lost loved ones one way or another to the cruel disease of addiction. But the sun still comes up every day and sets every night. Life goes on—and we with it. Let’s keep hope alive and live our lives as best we can. Blessings to you all!

Feeling Grateful Is A Blessing

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From “When I Got Busy, I got Better,” p. 33:

 “Gratitude in Action”

“I see Lois W. as an image of the many Al-Anon members from whom I have received the peace of this program—regular folks from all walks of life, people with no special credentials, degrees, certificates, titles, or privileges.

Each of them has done or said something from which I’ve gained a measure of serenity, courage, or wisdom. Each of them has striven to pass on a sense of a spiritual awakening with the same open-handed generosity extended to them. Each of them has helped me by acting on the thought that service is gratitude in action.”

 

When I’m engaged in service, I’m not focused on myself or my problems. I give whatever I can, and I always receive more in return. Since I was very young, volunteering and other forms of service have been healthy ways to deal with personal troubles. I gain perspective when I remember that many other people are having more difficult lives for any number of reasons. When I stay focused on what’s good in my life, gratitude flows freely from my heart.

 

Our Power Over Words

Marilea C. Rabasa4 Comments

From Each Day A New Beginning, October 23:

…words are more powerful than perhaps anyone suspects, and once deeply engraved in a child’s mind, they are not easily eradicated.” ~May Sarton

How burdened we become, as little girls, with the labels applied by parents, teachers, even school chums. We believe about ourselves what others teach us to believe. The messages aren’t always overt. But even the very subtle ones are etched in our minds, and they remind us of our “shortcomings” long into adulthood…

Our partnership with God will help us will help us understand that we are spiritual beings with a wonderful purpose in this life. And we are as lovely, as capable, as successful as we perceive ourselves to be…It takes practice to believe in ourselves. But we can break the past’s hold on us.”

The step work in my recovery program has been critical in helping me find the “courage to change.” Whatever we become as adults, and however we got there, need not define us now. “Happiness is an inside job,” and I’ve needed to dig deep to get at the source of what wasn’t working in my life. But I needed help. My Higher Power and the fellowship I’ve enjoyed in the rooms for almost sixteen years have helped me discover the miracle that was always just around the corner. I’m so grateful to be alive and have this second chance to live my life in a better way. I wish the same for all my friends here. God Bless!

The Pain Of Isolation

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From “When I Got Busy I Got Better,” p. 12

“Recently I attended a neighborhood hearing to show support for a local service. To my surprise, I found myself taking part as an active and committed member of my community. My pre-Alanon feelings of isolation and frustration had abated as I established a connection with my neighbors…In tracing the development of my new experience of common ground, I realize that my years in Al-Anon had been instrumental in dispelling my isolation…A member of our fellowship once explained how reaching out in simple ways had helped her break through her loneliness, desperation, and isolation.”

Feelings of being an isolated outsider have shadowed me all of my life, and not just because I’ve traveled a lot. Many of my friends who grew up in alcoholism share the same experience of being different from others. I’m not sure why this is, but I do know that the work I’ve done in recovery has pushed me out of my shell, “my dark cave of depression,” and encouraged me to jump into life more, do more service work, get involved. In other words: shed my fear and take risks. Recovery is all a matter of perception, I often say here, and the world has opened up to me in new and different ways. I’m grateful not to be closed off to all the possibilities ahead. Life is good!

Embracing Our Freedom

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From Each Day A New Beginning, April 1:

“‘It is only when people begin to shake loose from their preconceptions, from the ideas that have dominated them, that we begin to receive a sense of opening, a sense of vision.’ ~Barbara Ward

…The past that we hang onto stands in our way. Many of us needlessly spend much of our lives fighting a poor self-image. But we can overcome that. W can choose to believe that we are capable and confident. We can be spontaneous, and our vision of all that life can offer will change—will excite us, will cultivate our confidence…We can respond to life wholly. We can trust our instincts. And we will become all that we dare to become…Each day is a new beginning. Each moment is a new opportunity to let go of all that has trapped me in the past. I am free. In the present, I am free.”

I’m not on automatic pilot anymore. My step work has helped me know myself better, be accountable for my actions, make amends when necessary, and move on. That last one is critical: moving on. When I get stuck on something, my sponsor in the program helps me shake free of it. Get unglued. Life is too short to bury myself in the past that I can’t do anything about anyway. And tomorrow? Well, I could get hit by a car!

If I make an effort to stay in today, I have an opportunity to make “cleaner” choices and live better. At my age, that matters a lot to me. The three A’s are an important tool: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I choose to act differently now. I have the freedom to choose.

I’m not in a coma…I’m an actor in my own script—not someone else’s. I feel tremendously empowered by this, taking control of my own life. Awareness has been a key in maintaining my emotional sobriety. And that awareness is reinforced all the time by the mirrors that surround us.

As a friend says when she shares at meetings, “Thank you for my recovery.”

Happiness, Too, Is A Choice

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From Each Day Is A New Beginning, September 20:

“’What difference does it make how I’m treated by life? My real life is within.’ Angela Wozniak

It is said that we teach people how to treat us. How we treat others invites similar treatment. Our response to the external conditions of our lives can be greatly altered by our perceptions of those conditions. And we have control of that perception…”

“Perception,” how we see things, attitude…

We who live in and around addiction and its cruelty are spun around day in and day out by the effects of it. Whether we are watching a child slowly commit suicide in the throes of heroin addiction as I am; or enjoying the recovery of a loved one. It’s still there: the elephant in the living room. And more and more, thank God, we are able to talk about it. Our story was on 60 Minutes last week. No more shame; no more silence.

But how are we doing on our own, when no one is around, when we stare back at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves if we can ever be happy again?

That’s when I go within, to the spiritual life I’ve learned in my recovery program. That’s when I remind myself that I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, and lots of people in my life to love. But there’s more: that’s when I remind myself that the more service I am to others the more goodness will come back to me tenfold.

That’s when I remind myself that life is an incredible gift and I will cherish mine. Though I live with a heartbreaking disappointment, I will celebrate my life.

It’s all good.

 

Seasonal Prompts

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I love observing the seasons and the months they represent. They are the embodiment of the natural flow of life—and a constant reminder of change and renewal.

I was a high school teacher for twenty years. Summers were times for me to breathe, relax, and get off the treadmill. Then in August the anxiety and excitement would build, as I felt hungry to return to school and start using my skills in the classroom again.

Just as our lives change and new routines replace old ones, our feelings about the months of the year change as well. Bright red chili festivals have replaced pumpkin cutting in the classroom for me. Life is never static, and I do well to remain open to new opportunities as they present themselves.  Change is good. Change is very, very good.

Now, some months are times of remembrance. I’ve been retired for nearly a decade, and August/September has a new meaning for me. August 16 is the birthday of my mother, who died eight years ago. And August 23 is the birthday of my estranged daughter, Annie. But now I celebrate my granddaughter Emily’s birthday on August 9 by going to Seattle to see her. I never miss either of my granddaughters’ birthdays. In focusing on my blessings, I feel a sense of abundance every day.

September/October start to herald in autumn for me. In Albuquerque the leaves change color from the frosty night air. This is a welcome change from the oppressive heat of the summer. But here the leaves turn yellow, not the reds I used to see in New England.

In New Mexico, autumn is a gorgeous and productive lingering—well past Thanksgiving. It’s harvest season and the farmer’s markets overflow with abundance from the ground. Many holidays come in autumn and on the cusp of winter. These are always poignant times of the year for me, but now more than ever they are times to take stock and savor all that I have.

Winter drops like a curtain, in some states more than others. A couple of weeks before Christmas, Mother Nature lowers the boom. Winter is bitter in the high desert. Where I live, there’s very little snow. Sandia Mountain, across the rift valley from my farmhouse, attracts all the “weather.” At nearly 6000 feet, the air is cold even with the sun shining, though the temperature rarely drops below freezing.

Winter rings in differently state to state. But universal, in the areas where cold weather does settle into our bones, is the wish to smell spring in the air.

Many of us enjoy watching the trees coming out of dormancy and preening like peacocks, their colorful buds in bloom. We thrill to see the first flowers peek up from the ground. And gradually, though differently from state to state, we see the resurgence of nature, in all its glory. It is the season of renewal, of new beginnings.

Life goes on, and we with it.

Operating From A Place Of Love…

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From the National Institute on Drug Abuse:

“Is Drug abuse a voluntary behavior?

The initial decision to take drugs is mostly voluntary. However, when addiction takes over, a person’s ability to exert self-control can become seriously impaired. Brain-imaging studies from drug-addicted individuals show physical changes in areas of the brain that are critical for judgment, decision making, learning and memory, and behavior control. Scientists believe that these changes alter the way the brain works and may help explain the compulsive and destructive behaviors of an addicted person.”

 

In the recovery rooms, I became educated about drug addiction. I learned that it is a brain disease. This education changed my attitude toward my addict and toward myself. And this changed attitude changed and improved my behavior.

There is no room for judgment in my life: judgment toward me for being “a bad parent;” judgment toward my daughter Angie for using drugs.

I feel only love and compassion for all addicts who suffer and for all who love them.

I’m powerless over other people, places and things. But I can take charge of my own life. I focus on gratitude and all my blessings. I try to live well.

I believe Angie would want me to. This is how I honor and love her.

 

An Invitation To Joy

Marilea C. Rabasa2 Comments

 

From Each Day A New Beginning, June 28:

“‘Joy fixes us to eternity and pain fixes us to time. But desire and fear hold us in bondage to time, and detachment breaks the bond.’ ~Simone Weil

…”We are on a trip in this life. And our journey is bringing us closer to full understanding of joy with every sorrowful circumstance. When you or I are one with God, have aligned our will with the will of God, we know joy. We know this, fully, that all is well. No harm can befall us.

Each circumstance in the material realm is an opportunity for us to rely on the spiritual realm for direction, security, understanding. As we turn within, to our spiritual nature, we will know joy.”

I have been growing in my spiritual recovery for fifteen years, and it has been the key to learning to live with my daughter Angie in the grips of heroin addiction. Those of us who love an addict know the pain and frustration involved. We know how addiction destroys far more than the addict; it destroys whole families and, often, we who love them. It almost destroyed me.

But I have been incredibly blessed with some well-meaning interventions over the years, the first from a school counselor who told me to go to Al-Anon to help me deal with Angie’s drug addiction. My work in several twelve-step fellowships has given me the tools to adjust my thinking and change my attitude about a lot of things.

The most important change in my perspective is my habit of gratitude. The best antidote to my grief around losing my daughter is focusing on all the good things in my life, my other children and grandchildren, good health, etc. We all have something to be thankful for.

When I turn my thoughts away from my losses, when I “detach” from Angie, I feel a lightness around my shoulders, and I’m able to live joyfully. I wish that for all my friends here. God Bless!

The Voice of My Daughter

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“When Angie was in her first psych ward back in October 2007, they used art therapy on the patients. She made me a bead bracelet. ‘These are your favorite colors, Mom,’ she said, carefully placing it on my wrist. I finger those beads now and again, like Greek worry beads, a reminder of the hope I nurtured then. On one of the nights she stayed at my motel, she was out all night while I tossed and turned, wondering where she was. When I awoke, there was the most fragrant smelling flower in a glass of water at my bedside. She had picked it outside of her hotel in Japan Town and left it for me to enjoy in the morning. I still have what’s left of that flower, all dried and brown, another reminder that ‘Joy & Woe are woven fine.’”

from my award-winning memoir, A Mother’s Story: Angie Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, by Maggie C. Romero