“That’s What Recovery Feels Like…”

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt: 

“In a letter to a friend: ‘So how to get through the holidays? It’s all in how we see things, our attitude, how we choose to view our world. I make myself look on the bright side of things, not because I’m a goody-goody (Ha!), but because it makes me feel better. At what point in the road did I decide I deserved to be happy? I don’t know. But when you reach it, you’ll know. And you’ll feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. That’s what recovery feels like.

All the best to you, my friend, and hope the holidays will be less of a chore for you this year. Keep in touch and take good care of yourself. Maggie’”

All the hype and increased expectations pull on our heartstrings over the holidays like no other time of year. I used to dread them, but with each passing year of recovery, I’m grateful for my acceptance of situations I cannot change—as well as my ability to celebrate rainbows.

Girl splashing water in a puddle after a rain

Finding My Faith

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

“It wasn’t until I was tested as her mother that I found my ability to harness any faith at all. My sadness as a child paled before my growing despair as an adult child. The journey I’m on now has given me fresh new insights as I’ve confronted myself and understood where I have come from. My journey has in turn helped me understand where I have taken my own family. What was given to me has been passed down to my children. Yet I understand now that I could not have turned out differently, nor could I have been a different parent. My behavior as an adult was scripted from my childhood. What I need now is faith in something outside of myself to help me carry the burden—and gratitude that I’m finally able to ask for help. My faith has everything to do with turning over my self-will and accepting the will of another. I have found peace and serenity in acceptance of life as it is happening every day. Letting go and handing over the reins has given me the freedom to live my own life now without feeling shackled to the past or frightened of the future.”

Sometimes I Talk To God

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Memoir Excerpt:

“My newest concern was not if she was still on drugs. That was patently clear to us all. Now I feared that she would lose that leg, the one with the femoral artery she injected God knows what into when I left her alone in my condo in Virginia—the same artery that got infected again right after she moved to San Francisco. And now that same artery was infected again, threatening to break like a worn out rubber band. She really could lose her leg. And then what will become of her? Whereto, Persephone? A state hospital somewhere in California for the rest of what’s left of her life? Would this be the bottom we all pray for and fear at the same time—the one that convinces her that she must embrace recovery or die?

I live with this reality every day. Sometimes I look up and ask God for a sign, some way of knowing something. But this is why I’m learning to replace fear with faith. I’ve spent much of my life controlled and manipulated by fear, rarely feeling good enough, secure enough, valued enough to just be me. Fear so often clouds our good judgment, and faith releases us from too much responsibility, too much self-importance, and from our need to control. Over and over again in times of crisis in recent years I’ve accepted what is—without resistance anymore—and I’ve discovered for myself that faith and acceptance go hand in hand.

My behavior when I was in San Francisco six months ago is a good example of this. Expressing any anger to Angie—feeding the angry wolf—would have been an appalling waste of energy. I’ve known since she was in her first rehab in 2002 that she’s not a rebellious child in need of a spanking; she’s sick. She may or may not get well someday. But wherever her journey leads her it will be her journey to make. I can only love her and wish her God’s speed. I have absolute faith that life is unfolding as it is meant to. Having faith in anything—a rock, a friend, the God of our understanding—is a shared experience, ending our isolation.”

Choice and Empowerment

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From Each Day a New Beginning, 9/30:

“’Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?’ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

We choose the lives we lead. We choose sadness or happiness; success or failure; dread or excited anticipation. Whether or not we are conscious of our choices, we are making them every moment.

Accepting full responsibility for our actions is one of the requirements of maturity. Not always the easiest thing to do, but necessary to our further development. An unexpected benefit of accepting our responsibility is that it heightens our awareness of personal power. Our wellbeing is within our power. Happiness is within our power. Our attitude about any condition, present or future, is within our power, if we take it.

Life is “doing unto us” only what we allow. And it will favor us with whatever we choose. If we look for excitement, we’ll find it. We can search out the positive in any experience. All situations present seeds of new understanding, if we are open to them. Our response to the events around us determines whatever meaning life offers. We are in control of our outlook. And our outlook decides our future.

The day is mine, fully, to delight in—or to dread. The direction is always mine.”

We all go through tough times, often wondering how we will endure the unendurable. Watching our children go down paths we would never choose for them, and being powerless to stop it; or many of us burying our children, and forced to face the closure that comes with that. How do we bear it? How do we go on? I put my faith in God, and know—without a doubt—that things are happening for a reason, and that much beauty is often born out of loss. I’m so grateful to have the eyes and heart to see what has been left to me. My recovery is a miracle. God is good!

“If Onlys Are Lonely”

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From Each Day A New Beginning, November 24:

‘If onlys are lonely.’ Morgan Jennings

“The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life’s heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn’t, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence…

The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead…

I will breathe deeply and relax. At this moment my every need is being attended to. My life is unfolding exactly as it should.”

I’ve wrestled with my faith most of my life, always too self-reliant for my own good. But as I’ve watched my daughter succumb to heroin addiction, it has been a great comfort to me to learn how to harness a newfound belief in the power of something outside of myself, something I can turn to in my despair and know that something beautiful will come out of it. And it has: my whole life, and how I choose to live it now, is a miracle.

The Birth Of A Memoir

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

I’m the mother of a heroin addict, still in active addiction, and I want to share how I’ve learned to live with a parent’s worst nightmare. My book’s first draft started out as an account of my daughter’s addiction and all the horrors, her loss of self, her loss of soul, that accompany it. But as I got to the end, I realized that her story really began with me, and my story began with my father, etc. It became a story of the generational nature of addiction. And so I rewrote it with an Introduction, where I share my childhood and Angie’s with the reader so that you will know us; you get to know Angie before she was corrupted by addiction and, in my case, perhaps understand why I behaved as I did throughout Angie’s addiction. And as I paralleled her roller coaster ride with my own recovery, it ceased to be a simple story about drug addiction and took on the shape of a memoir, as I show how this tragic life event has changed and transformed me.

I begin with a question in the Prologue:

“Where might my daughter be now if fate, or genes, had been kinder to her? Now, several years into her illness, I am coming to terms with the terrible legacy that began generations ago in my own family and which I have unwittingly passed on to my daughter. All these years I’ve diligently searched for answers, clarity, and solace in the face of terrible pain. Like a gift from the universe, it has come to me slowly, and it is with me now. But it’s been a hard won victory.”

Angie’s illness was the catalyst, as I say at the end of the book “that catapulted me into a cave of my own discoveries…” I found myself at the end of this tunnel, “and I would always—still— reckon with the survivor guilt that has challenged my right to be happy while my daughter still struggles with addiction.”

Seasonal Lessons

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From Daily Word, 9/29/2015:

 “Change: I gracefully move through life’s transitions.

As colder days approach, trees shed their leaves and animals prepare for hibernation. They instinctively move through the seasons. In contrast, humans are prone to resisting change even though we know it is an essential part of growth. I may notice myself worrying or fighting change. Then I remind myself I am able to prepare and move through any change I encounter.

I envision myself shedding old beliefs and ways of being just as a tree releases leaves. Like the hibernating animals, I prepare my mind and body for a time of quiet and reflection. I see divine order in the leaves reappearing each spring. My life also follows a pattern. I emerge from each season stronger, wiser, and more loving.

‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. —Ecclesiastes 3:1’”

The Price We Pay/The Happiness We Earn

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

“Several years ago I paid a heavy price for my involvement in my daughter’s illness, and I didn’t want to keep losing, one by one, the parts of my own life tapestry I had worked so hard to create. I have had a wonderful and interesting life, and I can say that now, and feel it in my bones, without embarrassment or guilt. My work in this transformative Program has reacquainted me with my own worth and humanity, both of which came seriously into question when this tragedy struck my daughter.

Well, welcome to your second life, Maggie! I guess it’s never too late to learn how to be happy. Jennie Jerome Churchill has shared with us her definition of happiness: ‘Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy.’ That sounds like her take on acceptance to me. So how do I make the best of living with a cloud over my head, a cloud that will always be there, even if Angie at last finds recovery? By focusing on gratitude—my recovery is grounded in it.”

The Gifts Of Another Season

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

I’m very happy to be a Finalist this year in the New Mexico/Arizona Book Awards for Nonfiction. http://nmbookcoop.com/2015-Finalists-List.doc Woot-Woot!

 

A Memoir of Recovery

I am so happy to be part of the growing recovery movement in addiction. My story is one of many stories out there testifying to the power of spiritual transformation. As our numbers grow, so does our strength. Blessings to all this Thanksgiving and always!

Turning It Over

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From Experience, Strength and Hope, July 24:

“I admit that I am powerless over my life’s situation, that my life is unmanageable. My friends do not want to be around me when I am out of control. I do not want to be around me! I am learning to take my pain to my Higher Power and let that power handle it while I go out and play.

By not acknowledging my powerlessness, I am lying to myself. Recovery is not easy, that is why we are here, why we go to meetings, and why we work on ourselves. The Steps are written in a specific order for a reason, to bring us to a healthy, sane and serene life, learning to live life on life’s terms. Because of this program, life can once again be good for us. This is the hope of recovery. I remember that as a child I was powerless over my alcoholic father, and his physical abuse of my mother and me. It was frightening growing up in abuse. But you know what? I survived, and I believe I can move forward. If we stay in denial about our situation, we cannot begin to hear the message of recovery. When recovery begins, there is a completely new life out there waiting for us.

Thought For Today: Once we accept our powerlessness, we can learn to live a better life. However, just because we have recovery, does not mean there will be no more problems. It means that now we have the tools to help us recover without being crushed or broken.”

Though I didn’t write this, I could have. It’s my story. There are so many of us in the world with similar stories, and sharing our experience, strength and hope empowers us all. Every day in recovery makes me stronger and more able to cherish what’s good in my life. Especially at this time of year, that’s an awful lot to be thankful for.