Wisdom from Jennie Jerome Churchill: “Life may not be all we want it to be. But to make the best of it as it is, is the only way to be happy.”
So I’m learning how to dance in the rain! I would love to hear what works for you. Please share!
Words Of Wisdom From A Great American Historian
“TO BE HOPEFUL in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”
― Howard Zinn
Enabling Is Not Helping
From Thirty-One Days in Naranon, Day 6:
“It was difficult for me to understand enabling and to realize that instead of helping the addict to get better, I was really helping him to continue to use. Enabling was what I used to do by loaning him the car, covering his bad checks, replacing the things he “lost,” making excuses for the things he did wrong, and hosting his parties. I thought that by being kind and helpful, everything would be okay.
It was the Nar-Anon program and group members who opened my eyes. It felt good to learn that by enabling the addict, I was performing tasks for which he was responsible. It didn’t matter what my reason for enabling him was, I was preventing him from suffering the consequences of his own actions.”
In my memoir, I wrote, “Years later in one of my support groups in New Mexico, a friend shared how she had to lock everything up in her house. She’d lock the jewelry here, the silver there. She had a different key for everything place, and one time she was so flummoxed by her son that she lost all her keys! We laughed together at that one, grateful that we could still laugh. This is what it comes to for many of us parents. We erect walls to protect ourselves, keeping the addicts out. And then, of course, we feel guilty about doing that.”
In the rooms I’ve heard many times: “What we allow will continue.” So I don’t allow Angie to abuse our relationship anymore. We are no longer dependent on each other. I’m on my journey and she must follow her own path. At this fork in the road, when parents stop making life easy for their addict, many of them are forced to see themselves more honestly and attempt recovery. Many succeed.
This was a very difficult choice for me, but I was drowning in my codependence. I needed to pay attention to the rest of my life and let go of Angie. As I have found peace on my spiritual path, I pray she will too someday.
“Changed Attitudes Can Aid Recovery”
From Each Day A New Beginning, June 29:
“Self-pity is a parasite that feeds on itself. Many of us are inclined toward self-pity, not allowing for the balance of life’s natural tragedies. We will face good and bad times—and they will pass. With certainty they will pass…
Recovery is learning new responses, feeling and behaving in healthier ways. We need not get caught by self-pity. We can always feel it coming on. And we can let it go.”
In my recovery program, I’ve leaned that I have choices. I don’t have to be on automatic pilot anymore. “Awareness, acceptance, action”—the 3 A’s. I can choose new attitudes. I can choose acceptance and gratitude. Then happiness will follow me.
“Is It Working For You?”
From The Forum, June, 2015:
“The Suggested Preamble to the Twelve Steps have been the most helpful in my recovery: ‘We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.’ That is to say, it is our attitudes, not our situation, that cause our unhappiness.
When I first came to Al-Anon, and heard these words being read, it was like listening to a foreign language that I did not speak. It was beyond my comprehension that I could find peace and happiness through a change in my own attitude. As I heard these words being read week after week and meeting upon meeting, I resisted the suggestion that I could find peace and contentment if I would become willing to change the attitudes that kept me a prisoner of pain and suffering.
First of all, I didn’t know that I had any particular attitude. My thinking made perfect sense to me. There was nothing wrong with my attitude. I didn’t even understand what my attitude was. Slowly, as I listened in meetings and began working the Steps with my Sponsor, my attitude did begin to change. I was not consciously aware of the change, but I did recognize that my life was less stressful and I was finding periods of happiness and serenity.
One night, a few years into the program, it hit me. I was leading a meeting and as I read the Suggested Preamble to the Twelve Steps, these words ‘…changed attitudes can aid recovery’ struck me. I wanted to laugh out loud and say, ‘Duh…do you think?’ It was so completely clear to me. I got it. I really got it!
Although up to that point, I had changed in many ways, I really believe that this singular, amazing, and powerful moment of clarity was the turning point in my recovery. Reflecting on that moment and remembering the words ‘changed attitudes can aid recovery’ during personal struggles and moments of frustration, kept me willing to continue my journey of self-discovery and brought me a spiritual awakening I would never have thought possible.”
Beautifully spoken by Paula w. of Arizona. I can’t really add much to that, except something my sponsor told me to always ask myself when complaining about a situation that I find myself in: “Is it working for you?” I should always ask myself, and if it’s not, what can I do to change it? Often it’s a change in my behavior, but when that proves fruitless then sometimes a change in attitude is all I need to get a good night’s sleep. Is it a problem I have any control over? No? Then let go and let God. Go to sleep. Maybe other solutions will present themselves tomorrow. But for now, give yourself a good night’s rest—because you’re worth it.
Again, Who Are Our Teachers?
From Each Day A New Beginning, June 18:
“…we could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.” —Helen Keller
We chase after joy, like a child after a firefly, being certain that in joy all problems are solved, all questions are answered. Joy has its rewards, and we deserve them. But life has more to teach us.
We need to learn patience; through patience we learn to respect time and its passage, and we are mellowed. We need to learn tolerance; through tolerance our appreciation of another’s individuality is nurtured. We need to learn self-respect; self-respect prepares us to contribute more freely to our experiences, and we find wholeness…”
Triumph Over Despair
Thank you, Amazon customer, for this 5-Star review of my recovery memoir, A Mother’s Story: Angie Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, by Maggie C. Romero
“This very well crafted tale delves into the misery of hard drug addiction, not simply from the addict’s perspective, but from the point of view of those who go to great lengths to help the user. Ms. Romero writes exceptionally well, and the unfolding tale of her recovery is positively gripping. She conveys the wrenching pain of a parent living through her child’s descent into the horrors of progressive, ultimately rampaging addiction. Every effort to help Angie eventually yields more despair, but the author survives to triumph over heartbreak.”
“Keep It Simple”
From Each Day A New Beginning, June 25:
“’I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.’ Alice Roosevelt Longworth
All too often, we complicate our lives. We can wonder and worry our way into confusion; obsession or preoccupation it’s often called. ‘What if?’ ‘Will he?’ ‘Should I?’ ‘What do you think?’ We seldom stop trying to figure out what to do, where to do it, how to meet a challenge, until someone reminds us to ‘keep it simple.’
What we each discover, again and again, is that the solution to any problem becomes apparent when we stop searching for it. The guidance we need for handling any difficulty, great or small, can only come into focus when we remove the barriers to it, and the greatest barrier is our frantic effort to personally solve the problem.”
Amen to that! “Simplify” is one of my favorite directives. Tidy surroundings are very important to me, but much more important is keeping a tidy mind. My emotional sobriety depends on it. And without emotional peace, I ‘m vulnerable to my own addictions.
My addict, Angie, is thirty-seven, all of my children are in their thirties, and they are old enough to be independent and accountable for the choices they make. If Angie were fifteen, I wouldn’t be saying this. I would still be her legal guardian and would have some leverage over her. But she’s not a teenager, and I’ve learned to get out of her way and let her solve her own problems.
It’s hard, of course, to let go like this no matter how old our children are. But when I remember to keep it simple my life works better. I sleep better, for one thing, and that gives me the strength to face the challenges of each new day—wild fires, monsoons, and flash floods. Welcome to New Mexico!
Family Ties
(excerpt from the Prologue of my memoir, A Mother’s Story: Angie Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, by Maggie C. Romero)
“Where might my daughter be now if fate, or genes, had been kinder to her? Now, several years into her illness, I am coming to terms with the terrible legacy that began generations ago in my own family and which I have unwittingly passed on to my daughter. All these years I’ve diligently searched for answers, clarity, and solace in the face of terrible pain. Like a gift from the universe, it has come to me slowly, and it is with me now. But it’s been a hard won victory.
Looking back, it’s hard to believe Angie ever could have been such a joyful child. True, her start in life was, between the colic, screaming, and subsequent hernia operation at a mere three months, not a smooth one. But she bounced forward into childhood so that I never imagined what would be down the road many years later. There were signs, yes, but I never saw the enormity of full-blown drug addiction coming. In any case there’s nothing I could have done to prevent the dreadful onslaught that would engulf my family.
I liken the effect addiction has on families to a bomb exploding in the living room with everyone nearby. The shrapnel hits us all in different places; none of us is left untouched, though some may be wounded more than others. Some even ignore the explosion or block it out as the insidious effects of addiction take root in these bewildered individuals.
What happens when a bomb drops anywhere? Doesn’t everybody run for cover? That’s what happened in my family. Angie’s brother and sister got out of the way as much as possible—a healthy response, I suppose—shrapnel wounds can be pretty dreadful. It broke my heart to see them pull away from their sister. But now Angie was so isolated in her family. And so began the long journey, Angie’s father’s and mine, of carrying her, much of the time, on our backs.”
The Power Of Faith
From Hope For Today, June 13:
“…What I had overlooked in Step Two was the word ‘Power.’ The day I started placing my attention on that Power instead of on insanity, I began to see miracles in my life. One such miracle was my ability to talk about my fears in Al-Anon meetings. Other miracles included taking the Twelve Steps that lead me to serenity, and engaging in the process of forgiving and healing.”
It has taken many years of hearing Step Two read at meetings for me to really hear the word ‘Power.’ Now I realize how much more awesome my Higher Power is than this disease. Instead of dwelling in fear, today I am striving to pass on the miracles of recovery to my children.