Recovery

“Changed Attitudes Can Aid Recovery”

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

“’Recovery is when fun becomes fun; love becomes love; and life becomes worth living.’” (Melody Beattie)

“Now I tune into the life that is going on all around me. My sadness around Angie doesn’t weigh me down anymore. It’s there, of course, but I elevate myself when I remember to count my blessings and be grateful. Like a snake that has shed its skin, I feel fresher and more ready for life and its daily renewable force. My son now has a wife whom I adore and two beautiful little girls whom I visit often. They, along with Caroline, Gene, and my wonderful friends and extended family, are the flowers in my garden. They are, along with my work and my other passions, my happiness. Every day that I let myself embrace life, I find contentment. I just have to keep my heart open. “Agape” is one of the Greek words for love. Agape—open—ready to receive.”

 

One Recovery Tool

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Naranon’s daily reader:

SharingExperienceStrengthandHope

There is a lot of great literature in the 12-Step programs, and this is one of my favorite books. Its focus is on the family and friends of addicts, and it passes on many of the tools of the program to manage and cope with loving an addict. It’s a very slippery slope we’re on, trying to remain loving and supportive without being destroyed by manipulation, abuse and, often, guilt. Page after page in this resource I feel as if I’m reading my own story, reminding me once again that I am not alone in this battle, that there are millions of warrior mothers like me out there. There is strength in our growing numbers, putting an end to our feelings of isolation and giving us hope for the recovery movement.

The Mystery Of Recovery

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

 “I know addiction is a brain disease, and I’m certainly no expert on how or why some people are afflicted with it. Why do certain people abuse substances? Why did I depend on amphetamines for ten years? And how could I stop and never start again? Why did I smoke all those years and why was it easy for me to stop? Why have I been a food addict all my life and why am I just one bulimic episode away from relapsing? I have no answers to these questions. But I do know that learning to love and value myself through my work in all the Twelve-Step Programs I attend has made it easier for me live well and put an end to my self-abuse.


 “Expectations, when dealing with loving an addict, can be killers. We want our loved one to seek recovery and remain there, of course—for the rest of his life. We want the nightmare to end and to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. As my friend Michael said at an Al-Anon meeting: “We all live in this forest. We can remodel our house, add to it, and greatly improve its value. But we’re always going to live in the forest.” Philip Seymour Hoffman’s recent death reminds us that “once an addict, always an addict.” We may stop abusing substances at last—and forever if we’re truly blessed. But we always carry within us the addictive gene/tendency to pull us back into that dark world of relapse and—in the case of this brilliant actor—destroy us.”

the forst for the trees

Of course, there is always the possibility of relapse. But I like to remember that there are MANY success stories of addicts and alcoholics who have gotten and remained clean, one day at a time. But this is a cunning and ruthless disease, and it will bite us in the back if we’re not careful. So it’s important to remain vigilant and guard against complacency. People with cancer need to be careful in recovery; so do addicts.

Food For Thought

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

 

I’ve been talking a lot about detachment lately—and how the practice of it has given me much well deserved peace. But it sure gets me thinking about the topic of “attachment” to our loved ones, and what that has entailed. That, to me, is what much of our healing journey is all about. Shedding light on one helps us attain the other.

 

More On Healthy Detachment

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A parent emails me:

“Oh how I wish I were able to detach as you do! How do you do it? I can’t eat or sleep. I am constantly obsessing about where my daughter is and what she’s doing. I want some peace from all this. I’m so tired.”

My heart goes out to this mother because I’ve been in the same place myself. I am all too familiar with her feelings. I drove myself crazy worrying about my daughter. I wanted, no I NEEDED, to save her from this horrid disease. It’s counterintuitive NOT to, isn’t it? She’s my child.

Fourteen years ago I was exactly where this mother is now. But a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then. It’s a roller coaster ride we’re all on. And mine has been long and bumpy. Maybe I just got tired of being sick and tired. In my memoir I talk about what this obsession cost my health and my career. I think that was a turning point for me. I knew I would have to cut the umbilical cord and separate, not from Angie, my child, whom I will always love dearly, but from the addict that is living in her body. If I didn’t learn how to detach I would be lost. At that point, back in 2008, I started to truly believe that I deserved to have a happy life, regardless of my daughter’s choices.

Detachment is a gift we can give ourselves. How did I finally think I was worth this gift? The principles for living that I learned in Al-Anon and other 12-step fellowships have given me a newfound spiritual foundation to guide me through my life. I say “new” because I’m not a religious person and have never had a strong faith in anyone other than myself. But as they say in the Program, “my mind is a dangerous place to be!” Working the steps has helped me to get to know myself and finally like myself as I strive to be a better person. Coming from an alcoholic family, and with addictions of my own, low self-esteem has always been an issue with me. And so when Angie became a victim of the same illness that had crippled me, I just added that to my long list of defects that weighed me down as I hung on the cross!!! Well, I got bored with being a martyr. I decided I’d rather be happy. So I needed to grow up.

As I’ve said many times, I grew up in Al-Anon. My evolving recovery from addiction and the effects of addiction has paralleled Angie’s roller coaster ride through Hell. But at some point on this journey, my daughter and I started walking in separate directions. Our paths stopped intersecting. She was the first to let go, angrily and defiantly. I might have followed her; I used to. I just kept coming back to face her abuse and manipulation. I thought I had it coming to me. But now I’ve changed. Now I’ve found the courage to change; I’ve found the courage to let her go. And nothing on God’s earth could be harder for any parent. Here’s something I picked up at a Nar-Anon meeting:

“I am learning the meaning or concept of detachment and it is becoming a big help to me. I no longer stay up nights worrying about my daughter sleeping in alleys. I no longer obsess at wanting to know where she is at any given time. I no longer worry about that call at 3 in the morning asking me to bail her out of jail. This is, by the way, something that I will not do….This is painful to me but I am learning to deal with it so I can get on with my life…I am learning that the darkness is not worth it.”

 

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” A.J. Cronin

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

From Courage to Change, September 4:

“As we let go of obsession, worry, and focusing on everyone but ourselves, many of us were bewildered by the increasing calmness of our minds. We knew how to live in a state of crisis, but it often took a bit of adjustment to become comfortable with stillness. The price of serenity was the quieting of the constant mental chatter that had taken up so much time; suddenly we had lots of time on our hands and we wondered how to fill it.

Having become more and more serene as a result of working the Al-Anon program, I was surprised to find myself still grabbing for old fears as if I wanted to remain in crisis. I realized that I didn’t feel safe unless I was mentally busy. When I worried, I felt involved—and therefore somewhat in control.

As an exercise, my sponsor suggested that I try to maintain my inner stillness even when I felt scared or doubtful. As I did so, I reassured myself again and again that I was safely in the care of a Power greater than myself. Today I know that sanity and serenity are the gifts I have received for my efforts and my faith. With practice, I am learning to trust the peace.

Today’s Reminder:

Today I will relish my serenity. I know that it is safe to enjoy it.

‘Be still and know that I am with you.’ English prayer”

 

When I was obsessing about Angie, and deeply enmeshed in her constant drama, I felt a lot of things: needed, important, and valued—all of these things not good for my addict because they kept me in my own illness: pandering to her needs and enabling her.

I pray every day to remain detached with love from my precious daughter, the hardest thing in the world, to abandon my need to rescue—and to enjoy the God-given peace I’ve worked so hard to have. I wish the same for us all!

My Love Is Forever

Marilea C. RabasaLeave a comment

Memoir Excerpt:

Quote from Cherishing Our Daughters by Dr. Evelyn Bassoff: “ ‘Veronica is learning to live with her real disappointment and to be supportive but not overly invested in her daughter’s life. ‘I am learning important lessons in therapy. One is that the only life you can direct is your own; my good advice (to Anne-Marie) only falls on deaf ears. Unless my daughter musters the courage to make changes, I cannot do anything more for her. And so, over and over again, I say to myself, I am not responsible for the way (Anne-Marie) chooses to live. Another is that you love your child forever not because she is happy or successful or makes you proud but because she is your child.’”