by Marilea C. Rabasa | Oct 14, 2019 | Boundaries, detachment, Fear, Letting Go, Recovery, spirituality |
R “Second Step Prayer: Heavenly Father, I know in my heart that only you can restore me to sanity. I humbly ask that you remove all twisted thoughts and addictive behavior from me this day. Heal my spirit and restore in me a clear mind.” How often have we tried to play God, to control everything and everyone around us, especially if they’re on a self-destructive path? This, to be sure, is what provides us with a sound rationale for doing so. “He’s killing himself! We have to do something; we have to stop (SAVE) him!” I said those words, and played out that scenario, for a number of years. But it got me nowhere. My daughter has been in and out of recovery for seventeen years. And when she was in recovery, I was sure it was because of my efforts to save her from herself. Then, when she slipped out of recovery, I found a way to make myself responsible for that too. I was so joined at the hip with Angie, enmeshed in her illness, that I wasn’t paying enough attention to mine. I found myself exhausted and broken from all my efforts to save her. So I cut the cord and recognized that the path she was on was hers alone. I needed to forge my own path, continuing on my recovery journey. Nothing has ever been harder for me than this separation, watching her flounder in the grips of heroin addiction. Nothing. So I turn my pain over to God, and that gives me...
by Marilea C. Rabasa | Oct 7, 2019 | Awaremess, Boundaries, brain disease, Denial, Isolation, Recovery, The Family |
“Thanks to my recovery program, I have learned to build bridges instead of walls.” ~”The Forum,” Al-Anon Family Group, Conference Approved Literature What does that mean? From what I’ve learned in recovery, it’s about learning to set healthy, workable boundaries. And what does that word mean? A lot of questions! I grew up in an alcoholic family without many boundaries. There was a lot of guilt, and a fair amount of permissiveness related to that. My parents were sometimes neglectful and/or passive. I was allowed to run wild and became rebellious. Even my moral code was challenged. I was not a happy camper, and it showed. As an adult raising my three children, is it any wonder that much of my parenting was the same? We pass on what we were given. When Angie started abusing drugs at age 21, I was blindsided, but I shouldn’t have been. I was in such denial about myself and my own shortcomings that I was incredulous at the change in her. I couldn’t believe it! But, in time, with a lot of my own recovery, I learned to not only believe it but to understand it. And most importantly, not to blame myself for it. Because of MY misplaced guilt around Angie’s addiction, early on I set almost no boundaries with her. Why would I have to? She was 21; I had instilled a moral code in her since she was a child. What I didn’t realize, and gradually learned with horror, was how the personality of the addict changes, how they abandon their moral code over and over again to serve...
by Marilea C. Rabasa | Sep 24, 2019 | Acceptance, Attitudes, Boundaries, faith, Humility, Recovery, Serenity, spirituality, Surrender |
S From Each Day A New Beginning, January 9: “‘The Chinese say that water is the most powerful element, because it is perfectly nonresistant. It can wear away a rock and sweep all before it.’ ~Florence Scovel Shinn Nonresistance, ironically, may be a posture we struggle with. Nonresistance means surrendering the ego absolutely. For many of us, the ego, particularly disguised as false pride, spurred us on to struggle after struggle. ‘Can’t they see I’m right?’ we moaned, and our resistance only created more of itself. Conversely, flowing with life, ‘bubbling’ with the ripples, giving up our ego, releases from us an energy that heals the situation—that smoothes the negative vibrations in our path. Peace comes to us. We will find serenity each time we willingly humble ourselves. ‘Resistance is more familiar. Nonresistance means growth and peace. I’ll try for serenity today.’” It is very hard to accept life on life’s terms. When I faced a heartbreaking situation in my daughter, I fought tooth and nail to free her of the addiction that had taken hold of her. And I was stubborn; I persisted. For several years, I resisted. But I learned that my power in her struggle was limited. And I needed to surrender my ego and my will to the power of my God. And have faith—a deeply held faith that everything in my life is unfolding as it was meant to. I found my peace...
by Marilea C. Rabasa | Sep 3, 2019 | Attitudes, Awaremess, Boundaries, Enabling or Helping?, Letting Go, Recovery, The Family |
“First Step Prayer: Dear Lord, I admit that I am powerless over my addict. I admit that my life is unmanageable When I try to control him/her. Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Remove from me all denial of my loved one’s addiction.” The first step is probably the most important one in assuring our recovery from the effects of another’s addiction. And it’s because I refused to take it that it took me so long to start to recover. I simply wouldn’t accept my powerlessness over my daughter’s disease. I felt as though I would be dropping the ball, appearing as though I didn’t care about her. I felt that I had to do everything in my power to save her, not realizing that I had no such power. So, deep pockets helped me to put Angie through four rehabs. They also had me paying her rent, paying off her loans, and paying back the creditors. All my “help” simply gave her more money for drugs. In short, deep pockets can be dangerous if they allow us to enable our children. She might have learned something from the consequences of her actions if I hadn’t kept getting in the way. So yes, my life had become unmanageable. I love Angie very much. And I kept making things easy for her. But we can enable our children to death. Now I’ve let go of all my attempts to control her and her disease. And I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my...
by Marilea C. Rabasa | Aug 28, 2019 | Attitudes, Boundaries, brain disease, Courage, empowerment, Freedom, Letting Go, Recovery, The Family |
What I like about my recovery program is learning that I’m not a victim—that I have choices. My daughter, Angie, is an addict, yes, but I haven’t been victimized or punished for my sins. Angie is sick; addiction is a brain disease, and she has the power to fight it. She can choose. Not easily, to be sure, but the power is in her hands. By detaching myself sufficiently from the agony of her struggle, I can recognize that I am free to choose too. I can help her, if she wants recovery, but beyond that it’s not my battle. As heartbreaking as that is for any mother—to admit her powerlessness—it’s what I have had to do in order to reclaim my life. I love my daughter, and I pray with all my heart that she chooses recovery someday. But in the meantime, I have many blessings to enjoy and pay attention to. Even if Angie were my only child, there are still...
by Marilea C. Rabasa | Jul 10, 2019 | Attitudes, Awaremess, Boundaries, Humility, Recovery |
“One receives only that which one is given. The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds, and words, return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy.” ~Florence Skovel Shin It gives me pause to remember that. On a bad day, when I’m mean or resentful, I can count on those feelings hitting me on the back of my head. And that makes me think twice about it. But, being only human, I don’t; I just react. Now I’m learning to slow down and think before I act because I know there will be consequences. The wonderful thing about my recovery program is that I’ve learned how to make amends on a regular basis. When I give in to my worst impulses and turn mean toward my partner, for example, the awareness God has given me lets me stop in my tracks, turn around and tell him I’m sorry. It’s such a simple act of kindness, but before recovery I didn’t have the awareness it takes to recognize when I mess up. Now I try harder in all of my relationships. I’ve heard it said that ours is a disease of relationships, and that truth is so clear to me as I see mine improve, one by one, when I apply the tools of the program to my life. Al-Anon’s Tenth Step, “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it,” has been a lifesaver for me. I’ve been humbled and joyful to be part of a community of equals. We’re all in the same boat, struggling to survive on the...
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